The Greatest Story Ever Told: A Sephiroth Fanfic
by Pendrum
Summary: A collection of short tales narrated by everyone’s favorite silver haired lunatic.
1. Tifa's Story

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy VII is property of Square-Enix.

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**The Greatest Story Ever Told: A Sephiroth Fanfic**

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**Sephiroth:** Oh, hello and good evening puppets… Excuse me. I meant to say "fellow readers". Hello and good evening. Join me as we embark on a journey of total disregard for plot continuity, exposition, flow and progression. Along the way, you'll run across a great deal of absurdity, ridiculousness, total inanity and a slew of retards. From here on forth, you have been warned and will most likely lose several thousand brain cells in the process. We will first start with that crazed Lockheart girl and her unhealthy obsession with the blonde haired idiot who cannot seem to manage to keep his dangerous locks down. Without further ado, I present to you-

**Marlene:** Uncle Sephiroth, you promised me that you'd tell me a story.

**Sephiroth:** Child, I am telling a story. How convenient. You may sit down and listen as well but keep in mind, if you annoy me, I will not hesitate to slit your tiny, frail throat and skewer you on a hook.

**Marlene:** What's "skewer" mean?

**Sephiroth:** It means to grace many disgusting dandelions around your pathetic, worthless body.

**Marlene:** Sounds neat!

**Sephiroth:** Indeed. Now first, I have to make sure you are mature enough for this. How old are you? Eighteen?

**Marlene:** Seven.

**Sephiroth:** Close enough. Go be a sweetie and get dear old uncle Sephiroth some Vodka. Hurry, the story is beginning! As I was saying… I present to you:

**"Tifa's Story"**

She wanted him and she would get him.

Peering through a pair of high tech binoculars atop the branch she was perched on, hidden behind the foliage of leaves, Tifa's sights landed on the object of her affections as she spotted him walking through the park at peace and talking to the birds.

Cloud.

Every time she glanced at him (or obsessively studied him, depending on how one would wish to look at it), she felt free as the wind. Her heart raced and she felt as if she was flying.

In fact, she was flying as she momentarily forget where she was and leaned back, only to experience a short fall onto a muddy patch below.

Standing up in anger, she brushed herself off and cursed at her fortune. Here was Cloud fast approaching and she was covered in mud. Praying for as much stalled time as possible, Tifa rushed over to a pond as she began wiping away traces of mud off her body and face.

Luckily for her, Cloud gave her all the time she needed as he began to get into a heated argument with a pigeon after the bird coldly turned its back on Cloud and his requests for it to eat the 'damn bread' he'd just thoughtfully bought and cut up for the stupid birds.

An ensuing fight with the pigeon and a short fine from a park ranger later allowed Cloud to continue on with his trek once more.

"Hi Cloud!" Tifa practically squealed as she jumped in front of the stricken blonde male.

Nearly having a heart attack, Cloud calmed down upon recognition of the attractive, but dangerously obsessive female. He also took notice of various traces of brown smears all across her face and white shirt.

"Tifa. Hello." He nodded in reply.

"So…" she began, clasping her hands behind her back as she giddily looked at him, her eyes turning as wide as saucers. "What're you doing?"

"Oh. Well, I was trying to feed this pigeon and he told me to piss off so we got into a heated scuffle. I almost won but the park ranger interfered. I would've won if he hadn't. Don't worry. I'll get the pigeon next time."

Tifa clutched her hands to her chest. "Oh Cloud! That's amazing! I wish I could've been there." Batting her lashes, she closed the distance between the two, her breasts colliding with his chest far before the rest of her body could. "Oops. I'm sorry," she stated innocently, putting her hand to her mouth in exaggerated manner. In the back of her mind, she smirked evilly.

Cloud was confused. He didn't understand what she wanted and why her chest had been so unbelievably soft. He just wanted to feed the pigeon. He didn't want to be here. He turned for a moment, away from Tifa, his eyes coming in contact with the pigeon's cold, hard, beady little orbs from a distance away.

Cloud frowned and the pigeon was eager to return the icy glare. They would continue this at another time. This, he was sure of.

"Cloud!" Tifa shouted, drawing his attention back to her. "How about… we go out for dinner? I know this great, great place."

"Oh…" Cloud stated, realization dawning upon him. "I really appreciate the offer but I'm really not interested at the moment. Thanks though." He stepped to the side and continued on ahead.

Tifa was furious. She was absolutely furious. She had spent weeks, and months practicing and getting up the courage to ask the man of her dreams out and he had rejected her. Aside from a few brown patches now staining her, everything had been rehearsed to an art and he had still refused.

She ran up to him, blocking his way again. "Wait! How about, anywhere you want? We can eat wherever. Forget the restaurant."

Cloud was tired. And he just wanted to kill the pigeon. That was it, nothing more. "I'm sorry; I'm not really looking to get into a relationship at the moment." With that, he walked away again.

Tifa scowled as she watched her prey walk away from her. "Oh we'll see about that Cloud Strife. You're not getting away from me at all. I WILL have you." She let out an evil and clichéd cackle, rolling her head back as her chest shook, much to the joy of numerous men strolling through the park. Realizing the attention, she crossed her arms over her chest and huffed an angry "perverts."

* * *

Tifa studied herself in the mirror as she examined her bra. Should she set them free? Perhaps Cloud liked women who preferred to not be constrained by the confines of undergarments. Maybe Cloud himself went commando.

Tifa giggled and squealed at the thought. She began to jump and down hysterically, her twins producing a hypnotic jiggle effect.

Eventually, she got bored and decided to go check on the monitors in the living room. There was Cloud, on the numerous dozens of screens scattered around the room, sleeping peacefully in his bed inside his apartment. The apartment that was only away from Tifa's grasp physically, but not visually.

Tifa sighed as she stroked the part of the screen containing his face tenderly. Her only regret was that she had been unable to somehow find a way to sneak and install miniature cameras inside Cloud's bathroom.

That's where the real money would be, Tifa thought.

She held her breath in anticipation as the love of her life got up and out of bed, in only his boxers. Oh how she wished he slept nude, at least even once. She watched him a while further as he went on about his daily routine and ate his breakfast cereal.

The second he had finished everything and had decided to leave his apartment, Tifa was out the door as well, already resuming another typical day of stalking her desired target.

* * *

Cloud was sitting alone on the bus when Tifa approached him.

"Oh, hello Cloud! I didn't know you were here!" she stated in delight, feigning surprise. "Do you mind if I sit down next to you?"

"Well, I-"

Without even waiting for an invitation, Tifa glued herself to the seat and pressed the right side of her body up against him. "Hmmm… so where are you off to today?" Flashing him a brilliant smile, she began to play with his hair.

Cloud was uncomfortable and wanted to get away from this unstable psychotic. He noticed that he was being pressed against the window further and further as she slowly advanced her body on him.

Gulping, he offered a weak smile before signaling for the next stop. "That's where I get off."

Playing with a lock of her hair as she studied his face intently, she shot him a sweet smile. "Hey, what a surprise, that's where I get off too!"

"Actually, I forgot, sorry. My stop's the next one after this one."

Completely unfazed and mesmerized by his face, she spoke again. "Oh, well mine too!"

Cloud wanted to cry. Really. Grown men don't often sob but this current scenario warranted a breakdown. "Okay, I really have to go."

Using all the force he could muster, Cloud attempted to push Tifa out of the way so he could make his way out of the section and the bus. Tifa wouldn't budge however, planting both arms around the seats to her side, effectively blocking the way. There was a fire in her eyes. "Where are you going?" she asked penetratingly.

"Um… I have to get off."

"Okay." She nodded, but still refused to let go of the seats to make way for him.

Cloud waited for a moment. Another. Nothing happened. "Um, could you move and let me move out then?"

Tifa smiled as if he'd just proposed marriage and nodded happily but still refused to actually move or let go.

"All right then…" Cloud muttered, realizing this was going nowhere fast, before literally hopping up and jumping over the seats, as ridiculous as it appeared. He quickly strode over to the front as the bus came to a halt near an intersection. "Let me out please," he asked the driver.

"No can do. Gotta wait until we reach a bus stop like everyone else."

Cloud turned to look back and saw a determined Tifa quickly making her way up front as well. "Cloud, wait! Where you going? I'll get off with you!"

Panicking, he turned back to the driver. "Let me go. Please open the doors!" He was becoming more hysterical. "I'll pay you I promise!" He quickly fished out several hundred Gil and threw it at the driver, who faced him in shock. "Just open the damn door!" he screamed.

The driver shrugged and opened the door as Cloud leapt out to freedom, striking wonderful concrete with his feet. He turned back just in time to see Tifa in the way, ready to jump out as well. "Close the door! Close the door!" he shrieked.

Thankfully, the driver listened as Tifa slammed into the closing doors while the green lights signaled for the bus to move on ahead.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Cloud peered at the bus as it slowly disappeared. Tifa, wanting to catch as much of Cloud as possible, ran all the way to the back of the bus, pressing her face and palms up against the rear window as her man slowly disappeared out of sight.

She opened the rear slit and called out before completely fading, "Don't worry Cloud, I'll get off at the next stop! Just stay there!"

Wasting no time and taking no chance, he was already taking off in the opposite direction at full speed.

* * *

He was eating lunch peacefully as Tifa watched from a table in the corner, well concealed with her thick clothes, sunhat and shades. She intently watched every move he made, from the chewing, to the swallowing, to the occasional choking from taking large bites. There were some stains of mustard and ketchup all around the sides of his mouth.

On anyone else, it would have looked disgusting and ridiculous, but on Cloud, it made him appear incredibly sexy as he innocently ate his lunch as if he were still a child.

He finished his meal and made his way outside. Tifa immediately took off after him, but not before confiscating some of the utensils and napkin's he'd used and stuffed them inside her pocket.

Outside, she immediately ran on ahead and cut Cloud off. "Hey Cloud!" she greeted cheerfully.

Cloud gulped. "Hey… Tifa."

"So…" she began playfully. "I didn't see you when you got off the bus the other day. I went back and you were gone."

Cloud seemed to be searching his thoughts nervously. "Oh… I guess I forgot."

"That's okay Cloud. I could never get mad at a cutie like you!" She pinched his cheek playfully before caressing the side of his face with one hand, the other running smoothly down his chest. She was getting carried away and she knew it but she didn't care.

"Um…" Cloud began hesitantly, backing away slightly. Tifa took another step forward, closing the distance once more. "I have to go."

"Aw… why do you always have to go?" Tifa pouted. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to avoid me."

Chuckling nervously, Cloud tugged on the collar of his shirt. "W- what gave you that idea?" he stammered.

She shrugged and completely closed the space between them, wrapping her arms around his back and pulling his face in towards the evil but delicious twins.

Cloud found himself in a very soft, warm and nice place and as much as he wanted to stay, he had to get out. He pushed himself away. "Tifa, I told you, I'm not interested."

Stomping her foot on the ground angrily, Tifa seethed. "Why are you making this so difficult? I like you. I want you. Isn't that obvious? Can't you see we'd be perfect together?"

Cloud digressed. "Look, I'm sure you're a lovely lady and all but I'm not really looking for anyone at the moment."

Tifa's eyes narrowed into slits as her voice dropped to a dangerous level. "Oh you're not looking at anyone all right because the only girl you'll ever be looking at is me." She began to approach him once more, now in deadly fashion.

Cloud was scared. Really, really scared. So he did what any sane man would do in such a similar situation: he ran. He ran like the dickens.

He was off, in a full fledged sprint as he made his way down the street. Turning around, he caught sight of a menacing Tifa as she took off after him with unreal speed and agility. She was like that robot from Terminator.

Cloud ran for the safety of his life while Tifa chased after her prey, ignoring all bystanders across the way as she smashed through them relentlessly, bringing them all down to the floor.

She was closing in and a crack of a smile formed on her lips. She was within striking range as Cloud rounded a corner. He slipped for a moment over a newspaper and stumbled, allowing Tifa more time to catch up.

'Yes, that's right. You'll be mine soon Cloud Strife.' she thought evilly, millions of explicit thoughts dancing around in her head as she contemplated possible scenarios that could take place between the two of them behind closed doors.

Cloud heaved and panted as he frantically made his way through the crowd. How was she so fast? He didn't understand. She was gaining in on him and he was doomed. Doomed.

There was no way out. He wasn't going to make it and soon she would be all over him. The horror!

It seemed as if someone up above loved him at the moment for he spotted public bathrooms inside a small shopping outlet behind the large glass windows. It was all the way across the street however and that would mean dodging incoming traffic.

The move was risky and it would either be highly probable death or fall prey to Tifa.

The answer was obvious and a no-brainer at that as he carelessly jumped into the street, half praying he would get hit in the process. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for him, his little stunt eventually ended up evading traffic at all costs. He successfully crossed the street, allowing himself a moment to catch his breath as a triumphant look accompanied his features. There were more cars now as the lights turned green. Surely Tifa wouldn't think of crossing now.

Standing across on the other side of the street as the numerous cars whizzed by, Tifa's narrowed eyes bore into Cloud's. Without another pause and without taking her eyes off of him, like a mad cheetah, she bolted forward, expertly dodging and avoiding all cars as her feline agility and grace allowed her to close in on her target.

Cloud gasped in horror and took off into the shopping outlet. She was some kind of… crazy… acrobatic… stalker… woman… thing!

The men's bathroom! Sweet, sweet sanctuary! Surely, even a woman as deranged as Tifa wouldn't break the universal code barring anyone of the opposite sex entering a specific gender assigned bathroom.

He was safe… for now.

Tifa stopped and watched disdainfully as Cloud calmly entered the men's bathroom, giving her a final satisfied glance before disappearing inside.

Tifa Lockheart knew she had lost this battle. She had lost the battle but not the war.

* * *

"And some high tension rope, the kind you can grapple with. And some rope you can tie up others in." She paused to think for a second. "But nothing too rough. I want something that's strong but soft and easy on the skin. It's for someone special and I don't want to hurt him."

The store owner stared at her peculiarly and shrugged. "Sure ma'am, whatever you want."

"And some chloroform, some tranquilizer darts and a tranq gun to go with that. Also, a lock breaking kit. Umm…" Tifa paused for a moment, rubbing her chin in thought as she looked up. "And a sneak suit perhaps. Something really tight that accentuates my curves."

"Sure ma'am."

"Got any sex toys as well?"

"We're a weapons and tactics store ma'am. We don't sell sex toys."

"Sure, that's what they all say."

* * *

She stood over the ledge on the adjacent roof, peering down at the entrance to Cloud's building. Perched in a catlike position and with nightvision goggles equipped, Tifa awaited her prey.

Her eyes lit up as Cloud exit the apartment building on his way out to dinner. Little did he know that the only dinner Tifa planned on him having was her.

She immediately went to work as Cloud moved into the scarcely populated streets. Firing the cable with a spear attached to the end towards the lower part of the adjacent building, she grappled down and swung over Cloud before dropping into a perfectly executed somersault directly in front of him.

Her eyes narrowed as an evil smirk took her features. "Hello Cloud…"

Cloud's eyes widened and he immediately retreated, taking off like a frightened kitten back towards his apartment.

Tifa watched him retreat with amusement, not bothering to rush after him. She hummed a calm melody as she carefully loaded up the tranquilizer gun before eventually taking off after him.

"Oh where, oh where, could my Cloud be?" she called in a sing song voice.

Cloud screamed at the top of his lungs. "Help! I'm about to be raped!

He made it to his apartment complex as he frantically allowed himself inside, quickly running over to the elevator as he mashed the buttons for it to come down. He looked back for a second and to his horror, saw an old man walking out of the building, allowing Tifa to enter.

"No! No! Don't let her in!"

The old man looked at Tifa in confusion who smiled sweetly in return. "We're just having some relationship problems."

"Oh." He smiled. "You seem like such a sweet girl. I hope you two kids work it out."

"Oh don't worry, we will…" She smirked as she eyed Cloud before he ran inside the elevator that had descended.

Tifa let out a chuckle as she rubbed her hands together. Poor Cloud. Little did he know that he was falling perfectly into her little plan. Without another second's hesitation, she took off upwards through the stairs.

Cloud was nearly hyperventilating and was in for the surprise of his life when the elevator doors opened up on his floor.

"Surprise." Tifa greeted evilly.

"Ahhhhh!" Cloud screamed like a little girl and signaled for the elevator to close once more.

It was too late. Tifa shot the tranquilizer directly at Cloud's chest and she rushed in, wrestling him to the floor as the doors closed.

Several moments passed before the doors opened revealing a triumphant looking Tifa carrying an unconscious Cloud slung over her shoulder.

With the lock breaking kit, she had no trouble getting inside his residence without any suspicion.

* * *

Cloud woke up with his hands and feet tied to all the corners of the bed. He had to admit, that despite the tightness of the rope, it was pretty comfortable. His eyes widened as figure dressed in a revealing corset approached him.

"Hello darling…" Tifa purred.

He wanted to scream but found his sounds to be muffled as he noticed his mouth had been taped shut with duct tape. He shook his head frantically as Tifa straddled his hips.

"We're going to have so much fun tonight Cloud." Tifa whispered excitedly like a little school girl, pinching his cheek affectionately. "I told you, no one escapes Tifa Lockheart."

* * *

**Sephiroth:** And so, as we exit the closed doors of Cloud's room, we hear the pleasurable moaning noises of one female and the muffled screams of another as they engaged in a long and tiring night of dirty put protected, mind blowing sex. And thus, they both lived happily ever after in eac-

**Marlene:** But Uncle Sephiroth! Cloud wasn't happy at all! He didn't want to be with Tifa!

**Sephiroth:** Child, are you telling the story or am I?

**Marlene:** You are…

**Sephiroth:** Correct. Now, if I say he was happy then let us all agree that he was quite content with his predicament. Agreed?

**Marlene:** Yes Uncle Sephiroth…

**Sephiroth:** Good. Now go be a sweetie and fetch another bottle of Vodka for your beloved Uncle. And hurry up! The next story's set to begin soon.

**Marlene:** What story Uncle Sephiroth?

**Sephiroth:** Next, we will be embarking on another mindless rampage with that crazed loner, emo Goth vampire, Vincent Valentine and God knows what else residing within his body.

**Marlene:** Yay for randomness and discontinuity!

**Sephiroth:** Go before I kill you.


	2. Vincent's Story

**Marlene**: Start the story! Start the story! Start the story Uncle Sephiroth! You promised!

**Sephiroth**: I'm not nearly intoxicated enough to begin narrating…

**Marlene**: It's okay, just um… impropervise.

**Sephiroth**: Do you mean "improvise"?

**Marlene**: Yeah! That.

**Sephiroth**: Child, you truly are an imbecilic creature.

**Marlene**: Daddy calls me special!

**Sephiroth**: Your father is the same man who lost his arm because he is an inept buffoon.

**Marlene**: What's "inept" mean?

**Sephiroth**: It means time for you to shut that blabbering mouth of yours for the next story is set to begin. Child, are you sure this is vodka? It tastes like a soft drink mixed with detergent.

**Marlene**: I only added a little bit to the drink for that extra zing! The foaming bubbles were pretty!

**Sephiroth**: You did wh-… Okay, think of a happy place. Think of a happy place. Think of Cloud burning in agony while being continuously stabbed by Tonberries. Ah yes, that feels much better. Well… before I, your narrator, pass out from unconsciousness and go into a month long coma from being poisoned by an incompetent child, I present:

**"Vincent's Story"**

It was a simple task of simply pulling the index finger just a notch closer and it would all be done. Settled and over with.

Vincent heaved a great, disgruntled sigh while shutting his eyes and attempting to calm his senses before proceeding to finish the task.

His finger carefully pushed the trigger in further and further, the gun aimed at his forehead almost at the point of firing when a loud, obnoxious knock began to continuously pound on his door.

He sighed again, deciding just to go through with it and then it would all be done with. The pain. The guilt. All the sin. Simply washed away and he could float in the lifestream perhaps, by small chance, in some peace.

"Vincent! I gotta use the goddamn bathroom! Open the door now or I'm gonna shit myself!"

The unmistakable voice of the colorful mechanic, Cid Highwind.

Opting to ignore the blonde haired man, Vincent was nearly there. So close he could taste it.

"Damnit Vincent! This is an emergency out here! What're you doing that's so important that you can't open the goddamn door and let me in?"

Opening his eyes in frustration, his red irises swirled with annoyance as Vincent released his hand from the trigger and tucked the Death Penalty away from view as he went to answer the door.

The pained face of Cid Highwind flashed before him as the middle aged mechanic quickly blew by and headed towards the bathroom with the urgency of someone in dire need of a deposit.

* * *

"So?" Cid fished out a cigarette and began to light it up. "What've you been up to these past few months?"

Vincent remained stationary in that creepy way he often does. "I'd appreciate it, Cid, if you didn't smoke in my apartment."

With a roll of his eyes, Cid took several more quick drags before throwing the cigarette down to the floor and stomping it out with his feet, conveniently leaving a nice black stain on the light grey carpet.

There were several moments of silence that passed between the two men as they both stared at the carpet, Cid in amazement at just how easy it was to disfigure the floor while Vincent simply did his best to control the anger waging war within, alongside his demons.

"Well, will you look at that?" Cid grunted in thought. "Who would've believed an innocent cigarette would leave such a burn mark on the floor huh? Guess they aren't kidding when they say they're harmful."

The sharpshooter looked up, sending Cid a deadly, accusatory glare. "Why are you here?"

"Look Vinnie, you just need to relax and forge-"

"Don't call me Vinnie." Vincent cut in icily.

"Easy there. You just need to relax. Take a quick breather. What's eating you anyways?" Without even thinking, Cid automatically pulled out another cigarette out of habit and began to light it up before his eyes slowly rose from the lighter to meet Vincent's infuriated orbs. "Heh, heh. Oh right. No smoking. Gotcha." Winking, he placed the cigarette in his shirt pocket. "So, what's been eating you then? We haven't heard from you in a while. Decided to come check up on my favorite brooding buddy."

"Well… if you must know…I was in the middle of taking my own life with total disregard for the effect and consequences it may have had on others," Vincent stated with alarming calmness, never making the matter appear to be a big deal.

Cid nodded, his arms crossed over his chest as he leant over a counter. "That's understandable. Wouldn't have anything to do with that Lucrecia chick would it?"

Vincent lowered his head in sorrow. "Lucrecia. Sweet, sweet Lucrecia. How her sights and sounds still haunted his heart and dreams to this day, never allowing him to forget her unfortunate fate."

Cid blinked at Vincent blankly. "Um, Vince, not to be a party crasher or anything but if you don't want others hearing what kind of freaky shit is going on inside your head, try keeping your thoughts to yourself instead of shouting them out loud like some drama reject."

Vincent ignored him, his head now in his hands. "Oh woe is me. Woe is me! I am filled with grief and anguish!" He cried in frustration.

"Vince…" Cid began, lighting up yet another cigarette. The man just didn't learn. He approached the depressed, caped man and placed a hand over his shoulder. "That may sound like grief and anguish but take it from another man who's been there. Nothing calms that fire down there like a quick lay."

Vincent removed his hands from his face and stared at his grinning, blonde companion. "Lay? Do you mean as to allude to intercourse?"

Another roll of the eyes was displayed by Cid. "Goddamnit Vince, you talk like such an old man sometimes."

"I _am_ an old man…"

"You're younger than me!"

"I was locked away in a coffin for over 20 years you senile pilot!"

"Tsk, tsk." Cid shook his head in disappointment. "Already startin' with the name calling I see. Another sign that you're desperately in need of some action. Damn Valentine, that old, unused faucet down south must be truly rusty be now."

"Faucet? Action?" Vincent was truly perplexed.

"Yeah, action." Cid gave him a questioning glance. "You know… get caca with it? Jiggy. Shake that thang? Pound the donkey? Ride the saddle? Bump and grind?" He began getting desperate as all he received were a series of blank stares. "Dance to the tune?" Nothing. "Bake cakes?" Still nothing. "Have sex!" He finally shouted.

Vincent's eyes narrowed slightly in understanding and he scoffed. "That is both inappropriate and a sin."

"Inappropriate? Sin? Vincent, what the hell kind of talk is that?" Cid kept walking around Vincent, constantly gesticulating as the other man carefully sought to clean the black stains from the carpet. "You're a man! You're supposed to act like a man and not like a sissy!"

Ignoring his childish remarks and insults, for he was better than that, the gunman proceeded to erase the marks. "You're wasting your breath Cid."

"What kind of man doesn't go after a woman's pie when he gets the chance? Are you even normal? Are you human?"

Inwardly, Vincent was finding quite a lot of humor in pestering Cid without even having to resort to any witty comebacks of his own. "You amuse me, you understand that?"

"Gay!"

That simple, three lettered word triggered a defensive reaction from him at that instant. "I beg your pardon?" He stood up, glancing at Cid with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"I think you're gay." Cid stated again, nodding as if agreeing with himself.

This was absurd. Him, gay? "Me? Gay?" Vincent breathed out incredulously. "Are you out of your mind Highwind?"

"You're the one not interested in getting some poontang!" Cid exclaimed in frustration, throwing his hands in the air.

Vincent slapped his forehead in annoyance. "First of all, will you stop it with the sexual slurs and use proper definitions please? Secondly, the reason as to why I'm not, as you would say 'getting jiggy with it', is due to the fact that it is simply far too tedious to go in search of another partner.

"You mean sex buddy?"

"I prefer the term soul mate."

"God, you really are gay."

"Out." Vincent did well to compose himself as he pointed straight to the door. "I've had enough of you for one day."

"Wait!" Cid's eyes lit up, completely ignoring his friend's request to leave. "You say it's too much of a hassle to go through the dating thing again?"

Vincent's stomach fell, immediately not liking the sound of where this was going. "No Cid, that's not w-"

A wide grin spread across his face. "I got it!" Without warning, he dashed off into Vincent's study room, shutting the door behind him and locking it before the gunman could protest or reply.

* * *

"Okay, it's done." Cid came out, stretching his arms over his head before he plopped down on the couch, flipping on the TV.

Vincent raised an eyebrow in inquiry from his place by the dining table, a stack of newspapers around him. "What's done? What were you doing in there?"

"I signed you up for a personal, online dating service." Cid leaned back on his arms, watching contently. "All we gotta do now is wait for responses."

Vincent nearly choked from disbelief. "Onl- Online dating service?" It was his turn to raise his voice. "What on Earth did you do that for Highwind?"

Cid looked up with a goofy smile. "Nice to see some emotion out of you at last Valentine." He waved off the angry comments. "Relax Vince. This is a perfect way for antisocial people like you to meet other interesting singles."

Somehow, Vincent seemed to forget the continuous twitch in his left eye and he could only attribute it to the possibility that he hadn't slept well in the past few days. Or he could also possibly attribute it to the fact that he was now publicly available and the potential target of many psychotic, serial, chain-killing individuals on the World Wide Web who normally cross dressed for fun and pleasured themselves to pictures of pie.

* * *

"Vince! Vince, come quick! We got a few replies already!" Cid shouted with joy from the other room.

Rolling his eyes, Vincent sauntered over to his study room, not caring in the least bit about any of this but deciding to humor Cid for the sake of it. "What inbred lunatics have bothered responding Highwind?"

Cid opened up multiple windows and Vincent from behind, squinted to see the screen better.

**Message 1, Sent By: TheIceQueen  
****Age: **37  
**Sex: **F  
**Height: **5'3"  
**Weight: **129 lbs  
**Occupation: **Former project manager and armament designer.  
**Marital Status: **Single, looking and willing.  
**Interests: **Holding hands with a gun in the other, talking about guns, scaring people with guns, threatening people with guns, teaching kids about guns, bribing officers with guns, pistol whipping poor and unsuspecting rejects, jalapeno flavored cotton candy.

Cid turned to look at Vincent. "It's like a match made in Heaven. Sounds like your type of woman. I mean, she's into guns like you. What do you think?"

Vincent shot Cid a cold glare. "I think you're mad."

"Didn't like the cotton candy preference I take it? Keep going then hmm?" Cid turned back to continue scrolling.

**Message 2, Sent By: BigBertha  
****Age: **31  
**Sex: **It's been so long… so horny…  
**Height: **5'9"  
**Weight: **348 lbs

Both Cid and Vincent stopped reading then and there.

"Oh!" Cid turned away in disgust, wanting to throw up. "Oh, I don't wanna see that!"

"Highwind, this is your entire fault!" Vincent was getting fed up.

Closing the window down, Cid opened up a new one as he ignored his comrade and continued scrolling along.

**Message 3, Sent By: KAnDyKaNE**

Vincent cringed at the name, immediately not appreciating what he was about to read.

**Age:** 22  
**Sex:** F  
**Height:** 5'5"  
**Weight:** 108 lbs  
**Occupation: **Former government official  
**Marital Status:** Still looking for the perfect one!  
**Interests:** Holding handsies, crying, sharing my feelings, long walks on the beach and talking about ex-lovers, sitting in a café all morning discussing how that asshole dumped you for no reason, plotting revenge on that inconsiderate prick and making him regret every living moment that he left me for another woman. How was she Tseng? Was she good? Better than me in the sack? I hope she was a good lay Tseng because I want you to enjoy it while it lasts. I want you to enjoy it until I break into your house at night and castrate your balls while you sleep you fucking asshole!

Both men stared at the screen wide-eyed for several moments.

"Um… I'm guessing we'll say no to that one then?" Cid queried, not bother to glance over his shoulder.

"Cid…" Vincent growled in frustration.

"Oh, here's another one."

**Message 4, Sent By: FlexGirl**

**Age: **22  
**Sex: **Not yet… lol yeah right, jk! I'm female.  
**Height: **5'4"  
**Weight: **116 lbs  
**Occupation: **Inconspicuous observer  
**Marital Status:** Lonely and sad…  
**Interests: **A good sparring fight, cooking, liquor, stalking spiky, blonde haired males all across the city, watching him eat, watching him sleep, watching him shower, watching him dress, watching him watch porno. What? Am I not good enough to fill that need for you hon?

**FlexGirl's Profile has been updated:**

lol! Sorry guys but I've actually started seeing someone now. Remember that guy I'd been trying so hard to get to notice me? Well he finally did… well not without some persuasion and a little bit of pushing and shoving (literally) but in the end, it's worked out for the best I think. Oh gotta go! He's screaming for me now. Aww, he's just the sweetest thing. Kinky too! Pretending that he doesn't wanna be here. He likes playing hard to get. Lolz. Kthxbye!

"Wow, that girl's got some major issues." Cid whistled a wolf howl as he continued along.

**Message 5, Sent By: Advent-Reject**

**Age:** Whatever you want it to be  
**Sex:** Undecided

"Ah!" Cid recoiled back in disgust after reading the second line.

"Close it down! Close it down!" A panicked Vincent cried desperately.

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Cid was hysterical, on the verge of tears as his trembling hand kept slipping with the mouse.

At long last, the dreadful profile was closed down.

"No more." Vincent stated, his patience wearing completely thin.

"We'll just store that on the back-burner. Let's keep going." Cid remarked with wide eyes.

"No. Let's not."

Cid rolled his eyes. "Vincent quit being a baby. So we had a couple of weird ones. This one looks promising."

**Message 6, Sent By: ASweetDame**

**Age: **24  
**Sex:** F  
**Height: **5'3"  
**Weight: **112 lbs  
**Occupation: **Professional decaying corpse  
**Marital Status: **Currently single. Looking for someone who's rigor mortis  
**Interests: **Talking about silly things, giggling like a schoolgirl, pink, 6 foot long swords, cookies, flowers, happy faces on the internet (they're so cute, tee hee!) and staring passionately into my partner's eyes forever and ever.

Vincent shuddered uneasily after reading the entirety of it. "No." He shuddered some more. "Dear God no." That girl would prompt him to shoot himself after less than 2 minutes with her.

"Amen to that." Cid grimaced disgustedly as he continued to yet another message.

**Message 7, Sent By: TheGnarlyPigeon**

**Age: **N/A  
**Sex: **Pigeon  
**Height: **7.2 inches  
**Weight: **N/A  
**Occupation: **Dedicated adversary of Chocobo haired guy  
**Marital Status: **single, looking for pigeon to make an army of baby pigeons with in order to successfully launch strike against Chocobo haired guy  
**Interests: **Destroying Chocobo haired guy, park rangers, pretzels

"Hmm…" Cid rubbed his chin in thought for a moment. "Has potential but…nah…" He moved on.

"Cid, that's enough." Vincent turned to walk away.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Cid gestured for him to come back. "This one sounds like a good one!" His eyes were wide with excitement.

Vincent sighed exasperatedly. "Cid, I don't ca-"

"Shut up and read this!"

**Message 8, Sent By: Sugar-BaBy**

**Age: **18  
**Sex: **Only with that special someone! I'm still fresh and searching. Finally legal too! Yay!  
**Height: **5'1"  
**Weight: **98 lbs  
**Occupation: **Umm…I'm an illusionist… yeah… I make things disappear.  
**Marital Status: **Single. Duh! Why do you think I'm on here?  
**Interests:** Rough men (no pussies), guys who can swear like a sailor, grizzled, scruff, blonde haired men (lol, I'm starting to blush), pilots, a chain-smoking pilot…

Vincent began to get an unsettling feeling inside his stomach as he watched Cid's eyebrows slowly furrow with worry after each passing word.

…a pilot who swears, a pilot who's too oblivious to notice that I'm standing right here all this time, waiting for his dumbass to dump that middle-aged, rocket scientist ho and hook up with some fresh meat that's prime for the picking. We can have so much fun Mr. Highwind. Why are you playing hard to get with me? Dump that tramp already and get with the program you sexy old bat!

"What the hell?" Cid breathed out in disbelief, stuffing his face closer to the monitor. "Hey wait, there's a link to pics of her right here. I just need to cl-"

"Cid." Vincent quickly interjected. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Too late.

The damage was done as numerous windows opened up, displaying provocative pictures of one Yuffie Kisaragi in a series of exotic poses on her bed, wearing nothing but a pair of blue coveralls that a mechanic would often be found wearing.

"Arghh! Dear God! I did not just see that!" Cid screamed in horror, immediately turning the monitor off.

Vincent felt as if he had just gone blind. He wanted to wring his hands around Cid's neck then and there for having persisted with this. If he'd just listened, that traumatizing scene would have never transpired.

Sensing no other alternative, he hastily reached for his gun and stuck the barrel in his mouth, ready to take his life.

"Vincent! No!" Cid shouted as he reached up and snatched the gun away from the surprised gunman.

Anger masked his face. "Give that back!"

"Not until you calm down! Be a man! God, you're so selfish! I know what you and I saw was something that'll probably scar us for life but we need to take it like men. Stop acting like a baby and opting to take the cowards way out."

Then, without warning, Cid quickly drew the barrel of the gun inside his own mouth, prepared to blow his brains out after the horror having been witnessed.

"Cid! You hypocritical bastard!" And then, Vincent did the unthinkable.

He slapped Cid Highwind across the face with his paw, knocking the gun onto the floor.

There was a disturbing moment of silence before Cid spoke in shock.

"Did you… did you just slap me like a bitch Valentine?"

Vincent rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I had to, to keep you from doing something stupid." Give me back my gun!" Vincent was furious.

"A real friend would let another shoot himself! And a real friend would throw a manly punch, not some womanly slap! Now I'm traumatized twice the amount from that stupid Ninja perv and you." With that, the middle-aged pilot left the sharpshooter in the room alone as he wandered off into the kitchen to rehabilitate himself from the damage suffered by stealing some of Vincent's food.

* * *

Vincent sat on the sofa, rubbing his aching temples in aggravation. This migraine was too much. Why would Cid not simply be a good friend by handing the gun back to him so he could get on with it?

Speaking of the mechanic, he'd locked himself inside the study room over a half hour ago and had been there ever since.

Or at least… until he barged out emphatically at this instant as he approached Vincent with a troubled facial expression.

Vincent didn't appreciate that look. It was a look signaling the signs of something stupid having been orchestrated on the pilot's accord.

"What?"

Cid scratched the back of his neck uneasily. "Well I got some good news and then I got some terrible news."

Vincent shut his eyes painfully, feeling yet another severe migraine attack emerging and through clenched teeth, thought for a second. Perhaps it was best to get the terrible news out of the way first he decided.

"Okay, give me the terrible news first."

Cid breathed outwards heavily. "Well, I didn't think anything was gonna happen but it seems that the joke about you being gay actually caught on and some homosexuals actually responded to your profile as a result."

Vincent didn't even know what look to exactly send Cid at the moment as he stared on in stupor. "Ga-..." He paused for a moment to collect his mind, promising himself he wouldn't get upset over this. "Gay…? …You told them... I was gay?" Too late for the self control. "WHAT ON EARTH MADE YOU WRITE DOWN THAT I WAS GAY?" It truly was a rare sight, seeing Vincent infuriated like this. "Are you out of your goddamn mind Highwind?" He continued to scream.

Cid winced at the words until Vincent concluded his short tirade. "My bad…"

"You're bad? What the hell do you mean you're bad? You're just plain irritating Highwind!"

Again, the pilot winced at the shouted words before raising his hands defensively. "No, no… My bad means my mistake. It's just a form of slang."

"Would you stop it with the idiotic slurs already?" Vincent sighed and growled, his right eye twitching continuously while rubbing his temples further in agitation. "Please, for the love o- Well… what's the good news then?"

Cid nodded and stated seriously. "The good news is that there isn't anymore terrible news."

Vincent just stood still, staring expressionlessly, wishing for that gun more than ever now. "Did y- did you just do that for the sake of infuriating me further?"

Cid hummed to himself innocently. "No…"

"Highwind…" Vincent dangerously began to approach the pilot. "I am going to murde-"

There was the convenient ringing of the doorbell as Cid happily whisked himself away to answer it before Vincent could proceed any further.

He opened the door and came face to face with someone familiar.

The blonde, straight haired man in the white suit swept a few strands back over his ears as he held on tightly to the bouquet. "Hi, I'm here for the ad in the internet about the loner goth seeking another, caring, attentive male to-" There was an awkward pause as his face settled on the recognition of the man answering. "Highwind?"

Cid gazed on in disbelief. "Shinra?"

"Um… clearly I must have the wrong address. I was on my way to a date with a highly attractive, fair skinned, female might I add, with perfect curves all around. Yes of course." He chuckled nervously.

Cid squinted. "Shinra is that lipstick you're wearing?"

Rufus immediately rubbed at his lips with his shirt collar. "No, of course not. My lips are just naturally vivid red. I was born metro."

"And why do those flowers say 'To my emo Goth lover' on them?"

"It's a misprint."

"What about the mascara?"

Rufus was silent for a moment, trying to think of something before giving up and sighing, throwing in a helpless shrug. "Now that… I can't explain."

There was another eerie, awkward moment of silence before both men turned around and went back to their respective places, never to speak of that moment again.

"Who was that?" Vincent asked.

"The mailman." Cid quickly replied. A little too quickly.

Vincent quirked an eyebrow at this before smiling faintly. "You know… after you left to answer the door, it got me thinking and whether you realize it or not, you actually helped me today."

"I did?"

"Yes. Your incompetence actually brightened up my day and has made me reconsider shooting myself."

"Well good, mission accomplished then." Cid sat down next to Vincent and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. "See what a good friend I am? Where would you be without me?"

"Oh." Vincent brought up a finger. "I should mention. Yuffie sent you more pictures. These ones are nude however, unless you count tools as articles of clothing."

Cid glanced at Vincent uneasily. "Why did you go back and look at the pictures in the first place?" Upon spotting Vincent's sheepish expression, Cid smirked. "Valentine… you goddamn perv… You need help you know that?"

"I was merely examining the tools…"

"Pfft. Yeah, okay. Tools."

* * *

**Sephiroth:** And then they all lived happily ever after. And then Vincent shot himself despite his little speech at the end. And so did Cid. Then Yuffie took her own life as well after finding out the love of her life was no longer alive and they all suffered in agony in the lifestream. Muahahaha!

**Marlene:** Uncle Sephiroth! That didn't happen! You're sick! You're just making stuff up because you're mad at me.

**Sephiroth:** Child, you nearly killed me!

**Marlene:** I said I was sorry! Gawwwwwwwwd.

**Sephiroth:** Masamune, why do you ignore me during a time of need?

**Marlene:** Oooh! Oooh! I know where it is! Do you want me to go get it for you?

**Sephiroth:** Yes… and on the way, I hope you accidentally trip and fall on it.

**Marlene:** Uncle Sephiroth, you're so funny. If I fell on it, that would hurt. Daddy says I could die!

**Sephiroth:** Let's hope for once that the idiot is right.

**Marlene:** What's the next story?

**Sephiroth:** A tale of two imbeciles. One red haired and the other wishing he had hair.

**Marlene: **Bald is sexy Uncle Sephiroth!

**Sephiroth:** Shut your mouth child.


	3. Reno and Rude's Story

**Sephiroth**: Ah, welcome back readers. Although I must admit that I cannot quite understand why you fools are here, waiting patiently for another installment of the story without reason as it slowly saps away from your intellec-

**Marlene**: Uncle Sephiroth?

**Sephiroth**: Yes idiot?

**Marlene**: What's "horny" mean?

**Sephiroth**: … Child why are you asking such an imbecilic question?

**Marlene**: Denzel told me that's how he'll feel soon once he grows a bit older.

**Sephiroth**: Nonsense child. That's as much as he's going to be growing ever. What you see is what you get.

**Marlene**: I'm confused…

**Sephiroth**: As I was stating earlier before this incompetent buffoon interrupted me with her inane questio-

**Marlene**: Uncle Sephiroth, Denzel also told me that you haven't hit puberty yet. What's that mean?

**Sephiroth**: The inferior little weakling said that?

**Marlene**: Yeah.

**Sephiroth**: … …Then I will tell you after I end him. For now, let's move on with:

"**Reno and Rude's Story"**

"What happened to my shades?" Rude peered down at the broken pieces of glass and a barely intact frame.

Guilt was written all across Reno's face. "Well it's actually quite a funny story," he began seriously. "You see I was having this argument with my foot and it seemed to disagree with me on my stance regarding the fact that Jenova was fairly doable if you put a brown paper bag over her head and so, in a direct attempt to defy me, it completely got out of control and went on a mad rampa-"

"Reno please…" Rude brought a gloved palm up, the other rubbing his forehead in agitation. "Enough."

He bent down to examine the pile that was formerly his sunglasses and it appeared as if he were about to weep.

"Hey, hey…" Reno peered at him uncomfortably. "I'll tell you what… we'll go out and I'll buy you a new pair. How much could they possible be? 30 Gil?"

"1500."

Reno's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "You paid 1500 Gil for a pair of freakin' sunglasses?" Rude stood up quickly, towering over Reno and housing a menacing facial expression. Reno immediately brought his arms up defensively. "Okay, okay. That's fine."

Rude smiled.

* * *

"Rufus can we go outside and play?" Reno called out from his office towards the living room as the former President of Shinra giggled repeatedly and incomprehensibly underneath his white cover like an idiot while muttering something about moogles.

"Hee hee. Only if you two promise to keep an eye out for good looking and available guys for me. Hee hee hee."

Reno cringed immediately and shook his head as Rude peered down at him uncomfortably, shrugging in the process. "I swear that laugh's gotta stop or I'm gonna jam my electric rod straight up his ass soon."

Rude nodded in agreement.

"Although he'd probably actually like that…" Reno muttered in disturbed fashion at the realization afterwards.

Rude nodded in agreement again, a little more slowly and uncomfortably this time.

Ever since the blanket had become a household item in the Shinra Healin' Lodge, Rufus had become obsessed and quite deranged, hiding underneath it the majority of the time and scaring the Turk officials as their boss acted in an absurd, childlike manner.

"Okay sir, we promise we'll look out for available homos for you."

Rufus burst out giggling like a hyena at the comment. "Hee hee hee! You said homos!"

"Let's get the hell out of here before someone gets shot." Reno immediately bolted for the main door with Rude quickly trailing and wasting no time.

"Guys, did loneEmoGoth181 instant message me recently?" Rude's voice came from the living room just as they were about to exit.

"No sir." They both spoke in unison.

"Hee hee hee! Moogles!"

* * *

The pair of Turks were now faced with a dilemma.

There was no mode of transportation with which to travel to the markets in the heart of Edge.

Because a) The bastard Tseng had hogged the company chopper again and gone of with Elena somewhere so they could hump in private while still insisting on their relationship only being completely professional, b) They had traded in their company car for 5000 gallons of arsenic flavored toothpaste since Rufus insisted on keeping his stuffed moogle's teeth "spotlessly shiny" every minute of the hour and c) It was unethical, no matter how tempting, to simply throw Rufus off the electric wheelchair and take it for a spin down into town.

"Now what?" Rude inquired.

Reno paused with a hand under his chin for a second before snapping his fingers and pointing at Rude enthusiastically. "I know!"

"What're we gonna take?"

"The tricycle."

Rude wasn't so sure he had heard him correctly. "What?"

"The tricycle grandma gave you for Christmas that time." Reno moved toward the tool shed in hopes of finding it.

"That was over 20 years ago."

"Even better." Reno chimed. "It'll be a nostalgic experience."

"How are w-"

"Both gonna ride on it?" Reno finished off. Rude nodded. "Simple. You sit on the handlebars and I'll pedal. It'll be fun."

Rude wasn't so sure and began questioning Reno's sanity. "Sure?"

Reno scoffed and waved the comment off. "Trust me; we'll be there in no time. A half hour by the most at the rate I'll be pedaling.

* * *

8 hours, 41 minutes and 27 seconds later…

They still hadn't arrived as Reno struggled to look at the road ahead while Rude occupied the majority of his view with his fat ass on the handlebars as the pink tricycle reading "Grandma's favorite little girl" on the main frame trudged along, creaking more and more by the second.

"Rude I've decided what I wanna be when I grow up." Reno spoke from behind.

Rude peered ahead in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Like when I get older. I've decided what I wanna become."

Another look of great confusion. "But… you're already grown up…"

Reno stopped pedaling as the tricycle came to a halt, a look of shock and painful realization etched across his face.

Just then and there, there was a sudden flashing of bright blue and red lights as a police siren wailed behind them. The police cruiser came to a stop as an officer came out, walking in extremely awkward fashion on his hind legs.

"Do you folks realize how fast you were going?"

"Red XIII?" Reno called out incredulously. "What the hell are you doing as a cop?"

Red shrugged. "Oh… well they didn't have enough money to pay any extras for this story so we're recycling and here I am. Tada!" He gave a bored, half hearted cheer before pulling out a pen and pad also awkwardly, scribbling gibberish down with his paws in an attempt to appear somewhat competent. "I repeat once more, do you two have any idea how fast you were going?"

Reno shook his head. "No, not really. We don't have a speedometer."

Red nodded in understanding. "Oh… well neither do I actually."

"You mean the speedometer or how fast we were going?"

Red stared at them blankly. "Both…"

There was a brief moment of awkward silence as both Turks shot Red a questioning look.

After several more minutes of repeated silence and both sides discovering that neither was going to speak up first, Rude decided to use a tiny morsel of his brain and talk. "So why did you stop us?"

Red looked away awkwardly for a moment. "I liked the tricycle… It was shiny… Can I have it?"

"No."

Reno's words stung like poison or like when Aeris rejected him back in Hojo's laboratory. That bitch. She would pay. Red hung his head in misery before retreating back to his police cruiser, defeated.

We won't even discuss how the hell he managed to drive that thing.

* * *

"Seriously, who the hell does Tseng think he is? Stealing the chopper for personal, non business reasons?"

Rude grimaced in thought. "But… isn't this a personal, non busi-"

"Shut up Rude. No one needs to hear your non-logical mindless crap right now that probably doesn't make any sense. And he's always talking about eventually taking full responsibility for his actions instead of dumping his illegitimate bastard children on Cloud and Tifa, filling their orphanage up further. If the moron would just use a condom once in a goddamn while this wouldn't be happening."

Rude rolled his eyes as Reno continued pedaling along at a mind numbingly slow pace. "It's his life."

Reno grunted. "He doesn't have to keep impregnating Elena all the time. If he doesn't wanna wear the rubber, he should just get a dichotomy then."

Another perplexed look stretched Rude's features. "A dichotomy?"

"Yeah. You know, when they snip th-"

"You mean a vasectomy?"

Reno stopped pedaling. "What? No. A dichotomy."

"It's vasectomy." Rude turned around, shooting his partner a smirk.

Reno glared at him, puzzled. "Vasectomy?" Rude shrugged. "What the hell is a dichotomy then?"

Rude cleared his throat, preparing for a lengthy, well thought out, complex explanation. "It's a literary term best describing the differences or extremes between two polar o-"

"Okay shut up. That's enough. No one wants to hear your bullshit babble either."

* * *

Four and a half full days later, they'd arrived.

Someone in the audience pointed out that had they walked instead, they would have reached their destination at a far shorter time.

He was then subsequently beaten, shot numerous times and murdered before the duo carried on with their task that they'd now forgotten after such a lengthy and exhausting trip.

"What the hell did we come here to do again?" a bleary, wide eyed Reno with a five o'clock shadow and seemingly out of touch with reality asked his partner, who in turn, shrugged and shot him a quizzical, blank stare.

"Moogles?" Rude guessed, automatically becoming dumber after the prolonged, close proximity to Reno.

Reno nodded, snapping his fingers at the sudden epiphany. "Yes. Yes! Of course! The moogles! He sent us to buy more stuffed moogles so he could sleep with them in a purely non sexual, non disturbing sense that would be deemed appropriate for a child possibly reading this embarrassing material."

Rude nodded at the statement and so once again, the pair stepped into the market, shopping for any possible moogles that would have been deemed "sleepable" by Rufus.

Suddenly, Reno's cell phone rang.

He flipped it open. "Hello?"

"Hee hee hee! Can't guess who this is! Hee hee hee!" Then the mysterious call ended.

Reno flipped his phone shut with a half hearted sigh and gave Rude a helpless shrug.

"Who was that?"

"I don't know. He told me that I couldn't guess who it was."

"Oh. Did he say what he wanted?"

"To be shot."

Rude casually pulled out a pistol and cocked it, pointing the barrel in the air. "When do we meet him?"

Reno immediately brought Rude's hand down. "Put that away you crazy bastard! What the hell are you doing? We're in a market!" he hushed in a loud whisper.

"Sorry…" Rude brought down his head in shame.

"Pointing a gun in the air isn't gonna help solve anything." Reno's frown softened. "You know what we gotta do when in a market don't you?"

Rude sighed and nodded, simultaneously pulling out a balaclava and covering it over his head, his partner doing the same.

"Alright nobody move or the watermelon gets it!" a psychotic, balaclava clad Reno screamed crazily towards a group of onlookers as he cradled a giant watermelon in one hand, charged shock stick treading dangerously close to it in the other.

Rude nodded and pointed his gun at the watermelon, challenging people to question the seriousness of the situation.

"Oh my God, it's not even ready yet!" a shopper cried, pointing at the watermelon teary eyed.

Several elder women threatened to creep close in an attempt to liberate the watermelon from harm while others grabbed handfuls of assorted fruits and readied them as projectiles should the time come that they be required to enter the call of duty.

"I said back off! You think I'm kidding? I'm serious! Back away or I'll blow this thing to bits everywhere!"

"Now just take it easy, there's no reason why we can't discuss this like civilized beings," a middle aged, dark colored man spoke up, easing his way through the newly formed crowd while motioning for the fruit throwing sharpshooters to steady their arms for the time being. "Hold position, I think I can reason with him."

Reno took several cautious steps back, cradling the watermelon more carefully while suspiciously eyeing the awaiting attackers. "Are you- are you the negotiator? Wait a minute… Barret? You're the negotiator?"

"Yes," Barret declared solemnly. "We're prepared to listen. What are your demands?"

Pausing for a second and scratching his head, Reno turned to Rude and pointed out, "Don't you find it strangely ironic that Barret of all people is a hostage negotiator considering what the hell he did at the beginning of the game with his little AVALANCHE buddies?"

Rude stopped to think for a second before shrugging haplessly. "Meh…"

Seemingly beaten, Reno gave up and turned back to Barret. "You can give us whatever we want?"

"As long as it's not my other arm…"

Reno nodded in satisfaction. "Good. We want a pair of high quality sunglasses for my partn-" Rude sharply elbowed him in the ribs and frowned. "Ow! What the hell did you do that for?" When Rude's frown deepened, Reno smiled sheepishly and chuckled. "Oh yeah… right. Uh, cancel the glasses, what was I thinking? We're here for some moogles."

Barret nodded in thought. "Pink, purple, blue or lavender?"

All the color drained from Reno's face before a harsh, infuriated scowl took over. "Do you take me for a complete damn fool? Purple IS lavender! Rude!"

Rude complied with his partner's anger and cocked his handgun, aiming it at the watermelon to illustrate their short patience.

One woman had had enough. She wouldn't have the watermelon subject to anymore such torture. Summoning up all the courage she could muster, the elderly customer boldly charged towards Reno with her fatal weapon engaged.

"She's got a cane!" Reno screamed in horror, cowering back with fright.

Rude's brows furrowed in confusion. "But you have shock stick and I have a gun…"

Reno gave him a quizzical stare as his eyes darted to and fro from his electric rod to Rude's handgun and back before finally settling on the very, very, very slowly approaching old lady with the familiar cane of doom.

"She's got a cane!" Reno repeated again, shrieking like a little girl before dropping the watermelon and taking off faster than Rude had ever seen before.

Sighing, the taller Turk had no choice but to shrug, holster his pistol once more, fix his collar, remove his balaclava, rub a hand overtop his bald head, fix his collar once more before calmly walking off after Reno.

Several minutes passed before Rude returned and casually picked an apple from a batch before turning back and retracing his steps.

The old lady continued to boldly march ahead with her cane.

* * *

"Hi! Welcome to Edge Burger, where the burger's are so sharp, they'll leave you quite excited!" the ridiculously cheerful girl at the counter exclaimed in a sing song voice as she flashed her pearly whites. "Cuz you know… like, we live in Edge and the Burgers are from here so they're sharp like an edge, you know?" She giggled hysterically, a hand covering her mouth while squealing in the process.

"Yes…" Reno shot her a look as if she were quite possibly the biggest idiot he'd met on the entire planet, perhaps even dumber than Rufus. If that were even possible. Then again, nothing seemed to surprise him anymore these days.

"Would you like me to order my take for you?"

Reno blinked, unsure if he had heard that last part correctly. "What? Order your t-" Sighing, he shook his head and shrugged it off. "Just… give us a pair of cheeseburgers with double the meat, a side order of fries and I'll have a cola." He turned towards his partner. "Rude what do you wanna drink?"

Rude peered around nervously and brought his head down low close to Reno's ear, whispering something undetectable to those around.

"What? You want PINK COLA? But that's for girls!" Reno exclaimed, his eyes wide open, eliciting the stares of everyone within the vicinity and then some.

Rude rolled his eyes and smacked his own forehead, muttering a string of incoherent profanities under his breath as he strolled away towards an empty table before doing something to Reno that he would possibly come to regret later.

"Um, would you like your drinks supersized?" the cheery attendant asked with a sickening smile.

"What? Ew, no. Haven't you seen that movie with that idiot about that thing?" Reno asked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh yeah!" She nodded, her head bobbing up and down like a creepy doll. "It was funtastic!"

"Did you just say 'funtastic'?"

"Um… would you like fries with that order?" the girl asked, completely oblivious as she punched the rest of the order in.

Again, Reno blinked in wonder at her. "Didn't I just tell you to incl-" He paused, taking a deep breath. "Yes…" he forced a smile through clenched teeth.

"Would you like your fries supersized?"

Reno shot her a murderous glare. "Would you like a supersized portion of electric charge shoved straight up your ass?"

The girls blushed before brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Um… yes…"

* * *

"Whose number is that?" Rude asked, peering over his partner's shoulder.

"Remember that girl working the counter at Edge Burger?"

Rude paused. "I thought you told me you wanted to kill her."

"Maybe it's better that she play with my 'little friend' instead."

"How little are we talking?"

Reno shot him a death glare. "Not as little as yours. Trust me."

* * *

Reno's cell phone rang again and he sighed before flipping it open. "I swear… if it's Rufus again with another of his- Hello?"

"Hello Reno…" a thunderous voice echoed. "Do you know who this is?" the omnipotent sounding tone continued.

Reno scratched the top of his head. "Reeve?"

There was a brief pause before the thunderous echo died away and the voice returned to normal. "Damnit! How'd you know?"

"Because you're standing right next to me."

"Oh." Reeve glanced up and turned to acknowledge Reno to his right before deactivating Cait Sith's voice amplifier module and shutting off his phone. "Guys I got some serious news."

Reno and Rude both leaned in attentively, their eyes focused. "What is it?" Reno asked.

Reeve cleared his throat. "It appears that there's been a recent moogle kidnapping.

"Sonnuva…" Reno gasped in shock as Rude frowned and cracked his knuckles at the revelation of the tragic news. "Don't worry. Rude and I will get on it right away. Just tell us who and where."

Reeve nodded. "I've the coordinates for you of where the creature that's kidnapped the moogle is hiding."

"Is the creature dangerous?" Reno asked.

"Hardly. It's small and will barely pose a threat to either one of you let alone together."

* * *

And so, hours later, after having trekked the arduous plains and ventured through the marshes past the ruins of Midgar, we find our heroic, fearless and ambitious dynamic duo face to face with the infamous and apparently not so tiny Midgar Zolom.

Reno stared up at the 120 foot tall raging beast as it screeched into the sky with fury at having been interrupted by two trespassers. He casually turned to Rude. "I thought Reeve said this thing was small?"

Rude shrugged. "I guess it is… relative to the sky…"

Reno turned back around. "So how do you wanna do this?" he asked, staring up at the angry creature.

Rude glanced over at Reno incredulously. "You actually want to fight this thing?" He could've sworn Reno had completely lost his mind this time.

"You heard Reeve. We can take this thing. He's all knowing." He pulled out his shock stick. "Besides… it's got the moogle. Think of the moogle Rude. The moogle!"

At first he hadn't been sure, but now Rude could make out the unmistakable, small bits and pieces of the remains of the moogle that made the long descent down to the ground from the top of the Zolom's mouth.

"I think we better go…" he began, nervously backing away from the scene.

Reno snorted and charged his shock stick. "Nonsense, this will be as easy as one, two, three. We'll be back in time for Rufus' nightly 'Teatime Fun with Friends' before you know it." Reno looked up at the Zolom and smirked, venturing forth. "Alright Zollie… time to teach you a thing or two about what happens when you mess with a Turk."

* * *

**Sephiroth: **And so, the legendary, epic battle between our heroic warriors and the cowardly Zolom lasted a full fledged 4 seconds before both Turks were annihilated mercilessly, with any possible traces of their remains disappearing from the face of the planet afterwards. Needless to say, Rufus' "Teatime Fun with Friends" continued as scheduled, without any hiccups or interruptions.

**Marlene**: Was Rufus okay afterwards even though he lost his friends?

**Sephiroth**: Do not fret young one, Rufus continued his notorious, mad tirade of terrorizing little children such as yourself with his white blanket.

**Marlene**: What about the glasses?"

**Sephiroth**: Child, what nonsense are you blabbering about this time?

**Marlene**: The sunglasses. Rude's sunglasses.

**Sephiroth**: Child, are you mental?

**Marlene**: I thought Reno and Rude went out to buy Rude a new pair of sunglasses. Isn't that what the story was originally about? What happened to the sunglasses?"

**Sephiroth**: Oh… Yes, the glasses. I…

**Marlene**: Uncle Sephiroth?

**Sephiroth**: Well that's all the time we have for now readers. We hope you enjoyed our story. Next up will be a tale of the reject remnant who actually had the nerve to assume he could be like me. What complete lunacy. What kind of inept fool named 'Cabbage' or 'Kaddish' would dare compare himself to a legendary, awe inspiring, charismatic, fun-loving individual such as yours truly? Preposterous I say. The weakling even gave new meaning to the term 'Momma's Boy' after the infinite amount of times he cried like a child about his ugly, hideous, sorry excuse for a mother.

**Marlene**: But Uncle Sephiroth, isn't she your mother too?

**Sephiroth**: Child, never interrupt me when I'm talking. As I was saying… the pathetic foo-

**Marlene**: I'm just gonna go get you some more Vodka.


	4. Kadaj's Story

**Sephiroth: **Once again fellow readers, I welcome you back for another tale narrated by yours truly following several weeks of absence o-

**Marlene: **Actually Uncle Sephir-

**Sephiroth**: Child, what have I told you about interrupting me?

**Marlene**: Sorry Uncle Sephiroth, but I'm just trying to say that it hasn't been two weeks.

**Sephiroth**: I will concede the fact that I may have possibly exaggerated by a week or so. Nonetheless, we will con-

**Marlene**: Actually it's been almost two years...

**Sephiroth**: What nonsense are you blabbering about this time?

**Marlene**: Um... it says it's been close to two years since you last told a story.

**Sephiroth**: What? Preposterous. If you'll look and see...

**Marlene**: ...Do you see it now?

**Sephiroth**: ...I see me continuing on with my latest tale, that is what I see. Now, without any further interruptions, and before I kill you, I will proceed to deliver:

**"Kadaj's Story"**

"So what exactly are you trying to do here?" the banker asked, perplexed.

"It's like I said," a casually dressed Kadaj sporting a striped green and white shirt along with a pair of jeans replied. "I'm just trying to get a loan to purchase a vehicle or some form of transportation to get me across the place."

The banker stared away for a moment in confusion, as if thinking. "But it says here you want an all terrain vehicle for chasing down, and I quote 'punkass, spiky haired emo losers' across the region at any given time."

Kadaj stared at the banker intently, not exactly understanding the problem. "Right. So can you grant me the loan or not?"

"Um..." the banker began uncomfortably, "See I'm not exactly sure that's a good idea on our part."

"Why?" Kadaj cried out, his voice drawing interest from other clients and employees inside the building. "Is it my shirt?" He had a pleading look in his eyes as he clutched his collar. "Because if it is, I swear I can change it. I didn't wanna wea- I mean, this wasn't my idea. It was Loz. Loz, he said- He said that if I wore it, it might impress you, but I knew it was a stupid idea." He rolled his eyes in embarassment while recollecting the incident. "Big dumb oaf has no taste in fashion whatsoever. I told him."

"Right..." The banker smiled forcefully, trying to ease the situation.

"Exactly, I was like, 'Loz I really don't wanna wear this.' But he was all like, 'Trust me you'll look solid. It's solid trust me. I know.' But he doesn't know. You know?" Kadaj leaned forward, a palm facing upwards in question and one his eyebrows raised in question.

"Well..." The banker cleared his throat. "Actually it's not so much the attire itself, which is quite appropriate if I may say so myself."

Kadaj shrugged. "So then what're we looking at here?"

The banker was about to begin but paused, bringing his elbows on top of the table and pressing his fingers together and against his mouth. "You see-" He stopped, trying to voice his concern in the best way possible before deciding to just come out with it. "The thing is, I'm not exactly sure why it is you've been carrying a severed head of a woman on your lap during the entire duration of our appointment."

Kadaj looked down at the head of Jenova questioningly before staring back up. "But she's my mother." He lifted the head by the hair, bringing it inches away from his as he faced the banker. "Can't you see the resemblence?"

* * *

"So what happened, did you get the loan?" Yazoo asked, casually biting into an ice cream cone as Loz looked on, fantasizing about having that delicious cone all to himself.

Kadaj paced back and forth, muttering incoherently at first. "What the hell does 'I'm not sure if both parties can really benefit from this' mean?"

Yazoo stared upwards in thought for a moment. "I'm pretty sure it's his way of telling you 'no'."

"Yazoo?" Loz asked from several feet away, still staring at that tantalizing cone with eager anticipation.

"What?"

"Can I have the rest of your ice cream cone?"

Yazoo gazed at his larger brother, questioning whether or not if he was for real. "My Ice cream cone?"

Loz nodded happily while Kadaj continued to pace in thought. "Yeah. Can I have it please?"

A few more moments of silence followed, Yazoo not even moving a muscle as he gazed at his sibling in disbelief. "No."

The words were sharp and piercing, cutting into the bigger man's heart.

"But why not?" he asked miserably, his face beginning to fall.

"Because I said no."

"You never let me have anything fun!" Loz cried, his voice beginning to break before he stormed out of the room, clutching his face.

"So what're we gonna do now?" an unfazed Yazoo asked his younger brother, now seemingly enjoying the ice cream cone further.

Kadaj halted in his tracks and looked up, a look of startling realization etched ascross his face. "Hey!" he began, pointing a finger at the taller haired individual. "Given my natural charismatic skill, I think I may have the perfect solution to accumulating a nice financial sum in a short amount of time."

* * *

"So Kadaj, tell me... why do you want to be a psychiatrist?" the stocky, bald headed man asked, leaning forward and awaiting an answer.

"I've been told I have a way of dealing with people and I want to put that skill to good use."

"Mmhmm," the man nodded, surveying Kadaj further. "Now why would I choose you? I mean, what separates you from the rest of the field in deciding who to hire?"

Kadaj became nervous, gazing around frantically, desperately searching for an answer before his eyes lit up and he shook his head, as if implying it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because..."

"Because?"

"Because I have silver hair. I mean come on, how many other guys will have silver hair while a patient is talking to them?"

The man nodded with acceptance. "Point taken." His eyes then drifted downwards towards Kadaj's lap and his demeanor changed to one of discomfort. "Is that- Is that head going to be a problem?"

Kadaj peered down at Jenova and patted her gently before glancing back up proudly. "She's my mother."

"I see..." the man began slowly and uncomfortably, shooting him a wild look.

Kadaj continued beaming. "She's so proud of me right now."

* * *

"Edge's Crisis Hotline, this is Kadaj, how can I help you today?" Kadaj answered.

"Hello..." the voice of a man laced with uncertainty began on the other end. "Uh... I'm not exactly sure how this works..."

"Well," Kadaj began carefully, "This hotline is strictly confidential and completely anonymous if you choose. So if you don't feel comfortable telling us who you are, that's perfectly fine and up to you."

"Okay..."

"How about you start by telling me what's bothering you and the reason behind this call?"

"All right... sure..." The man seemed more uncertain now. Sighing heavily, he began on the other end. "Well the thing is... I have a problem."

"No kidding, why else would you be calling?"

"I beg your pardon?" The man cried at the other end of the line.

"Nothing." Several moments of silence ensued. "Why don't you tell me about it?" Kadaj urged, listening half heartedly while typing a slew of profanity online in an internet chat room, harassing every single individual on the server.

"The thing is..." the man took another deep breath. "I've been living a double life."

"Uh-huh," Kadaj responded, smiling at all the hateful responses received on the chat site from his messages."But then again, don't we all?"

"What do you mean?" the man stammered, his confidence wavering.

"It's simple." Kadaj delivered another long list of colorful banter to his chat comrades, eliciting more heated responses. "Take me for example. This only fits part of my profile. It's definitely not who I am when not working."

"You mean, you also pretend to be a woman when in the confines of your own home, dressing up in lavish female undergarments and relishing the feeling of your smooth, recently shaven legs?"

Kadaj blinked for a second and frowned at an angry reply sent to him from the chat. "What a douchebag."

"I beg your pardon?" the man cried, bewildered, frustration seeping through.

"Oh not you," Kadaj countered casually. "I was talking about someone else. You're just a sad and pathetic moron."

"Wh-" The man paused, attempting to collect himself. "How dare you? What the hell kind of hotline is this?"

"I think it's the one where nobody really gives a shit."

* * *

"So what happened exactly?" the same, stocky bald headed man in charge of the center asked.

Kadaj shrugged. "He said some things. I might have said some things. He may have taken them out of context." He shook his head slowly. "You know how these things are... I mean the man is clearly not content with his predicament and attempting to take his frustrations and inadequacies out on me."

"Right..." the man began, eyeing Kadaj suspiciously, along with the severed head that continued to be clutched ever so tightly by the hair.

"I'm telling you, whatever he told you is simply not 100 percent factually correct."

The man peered down at his clipboard, containing written notes and memos. "Did you by any chance call him, and I quote 'a miserable piece of existence not worthy of anyone's time'?"

Kadaj smiled defensively and shook his head, looking away. "I'm not sure if I exactly said it like that..."

"Did you also say 'I hope you choke on your own set of tears you emo, cross-dressing pedophile'?"

Kadaj was still for a second before coming to life. "The man was hitting on me. I could detect those sexual manuevers from a mile away. I warned him too, that I was underage but he wouldn't have any part of it. For shame, a man of that age attempting to seduce a young, fresh piece of meat like me. I'm very tender and need to be handled with care." He blinked several times, awaiting the response of the man.

* * *

"So?" Yazoo asked, this time aiming his Velvet Nightmare straight at Loz's head, who was at the end of the room, sitting on a ridiculously tiny chair not suitable enough even for a five year old while rocking himself back and forth like a demented inbred.

Kadaj looked out the window, squinting as a man clothed in a single white sheet ran around clumsily, chasing after several mortified young children while they screamed their heads off in terror. "Something about me not having enough facial hair."

Yazoo stared at his younger brother uneasily. "You didn't do anything to him did you?"

"He needed to lose the weight anyways. I did him a favor."

"Guys!" Loz shouted from across the room, laughing uncontrollably while continuing to rock himself. "This is so much fun!" Finally, the chair toppled over and he fell on his back, laughing more hysterically than before.

"Sometimes I wonder..." Yazoo muttered miserably, staring at their eldest brother as he kicked his legs up in the air like a child.

Kadaj grabbed the Velvet Nightmare from his sibling and checked the barrel. "Hey, this thing isn't even loaded."

"I know..." Yazoo sighed. "Loz ate all the bullets."

Kadaj glared at the large man still on the floor in confusion. "Why the hell did he do that?"

"I told him they would send him to a happy place." The tall haired man shook his head in disappointment.

"Yazoo..." Kadaj gave his brother a reprimanding look, scolding him.

"I know, I know... I should've told him to swallow them all at once."

* * *

"'Kadaj's Relief Service For the Cowardly and the Brave'?" Yazoo stared up at the sign to the little stall his younger brother had set up amongst a relatively busy street in the heart of Edge.

"Catchy name isn't it?" Kadaj beamed.

"The brave?" Yazoo shot him a quizzical glance, expecting some sort of explanation.

"It directly contrasts with the cowardly aspect don't you think?"

Yazoo stared at the sign long and hard, squinting while trying to make sense of it. "Right... but why would the brave n-" He sighed and threw up his arms in the air. "You know what, I just don't care anymore."

Kadaj nodded and smiled, baring his white teeth. "Good."

"Where the hell is Loz?"

"Uh..." Kadaj turned his neck, peering across the other end of the street before returning his gaze to his brother. "Last time I saw him, he told me some man wearing a white blanket offered him candy back at his place."

"Hey!" an extremely familiar, all too familiar in fact, spiky haired individual cried, running up to the stall, out of breath.

Kadaj crossed his fingers together, arms on the table as he shot his first potential client a professional smile. "Kadaj's Relief Service fo-"

"That's Cloud Strife..." Yazoo pointed at the blonde haired man in disbelief, mouth partially open. "Kadaj, that's Cl-"

"You're crowding my space. I need you to take a hike." Kadaj hissed vehemently.

Yazoo glared at his younger brother in disbelief. "THIS is the man we're trying to-"

"Yazoo!" Kadaj shouted, clenching his teeth while forcing a smile. "We can talk about this later. I have a business to run."

The elder silver haired man shook his head. "No I really don't think you understand. The man we're tying to catch is standing ri-"

"Can you help me?" Cloud interrupted, eyeing Kadaj pleadingly.

"Absolutely," Kadaj replied in a serious, business-like tone. "That's what I'm here for." He turned to face his brother, signalling for him to leave with his eyes. "Yazoo?" When the older man shook his head once more in astonishment, Kadaj asked him again. "Can we please discuss this later? I have a client who needs attending to."

"I need to shoot myself..." Yazoo muttered as he trekked off.

"So what seems to be the issue here?"

Cloud paused for a moment, his eyes narrowing as they bore into Kadaj's, a sudden sense of realization kicking in. "Wait a minute..." Cloud pointed a gloved finger at the silver haired individual. "You use the exact same hair styling lotion as me."When Kadaj shrugged and gave a curt, uncertain nod, he continued. "Why the hell is your hair so straight then, and mine is always a goddamn nightmare?"

* * *

"You want me to kill Tifa Lockheart?" Kadaj asked again, trying to make sure he had the objective clearly.

"That is what I said," Cloud nodded, glancing around frantically, as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

"And where does this pigeon come into play?"

Cloud cleared his throat. "The pigeon is more of a bonus objective if you will. Right now the main target is the woman. If you cross paths with the pigeon though, don't hesitate to take it out. But I'll tell you right now it won't be easy."

"What type of pigeon are we talking exactly?" Kadaj asked, now unsure if he wanted to go through with the second part of the mission.

"It's..." Cloud paused, attempting to think of a way to accurately describe the bird. "...A pigeon. It's just a normal pigeon."

"Does this pigeon house any form of attack I should be concerned about?" Kadaj was beginning to grow more worrisome by the minute after thinking more and more about crossing paths with this new nefarious foe.

"Not that I know of."

A deafening, wildly violent explosion from a nearby market emitting numerous debris onto the streets brought the conversation to a halt. The two men, along with all the other spectators on the street stopped and observed as the dust settled, while numerous others within the vicinity of the blast rushed to safety. Then, as the smoke cleared, a pair of beady black orbs emerged, accompanied by a pair of wings.

The pigeon's hard, steely tiny eyes glared at the two men maliciously before it took off into the sky, letting out a cry of warning before dropping a gift straight on Kadaj's shoulder.

"It begins..." Kadaj muttered, having known that he had at last met his match.

* * *

"It's not like I'm not looking for his best interest you know?" Tifa cried, waving an open palm around as she sat in her apartment and sipped from her coffee mug.

Kadaj nodded in understanding from the other end of the table as he too took a sip of his drink. "Agreed. Men can be so foolish at times."

"I know!" She was beginning to get really fired up. "He never appreciates everything I do for him. All that sex I give him. All the attention he could ever want. And what does he do? He breaks free and runs away, leaving me by msyelf."

Kadaj couldn't help but fall victim to the cliche of staring at her breasts. "By yourselves."

"You're staring at my chest again."

He sighed, still not taking his eyes away. "I'm sorry."

She was quiet for a moment. "You're still doing it."

"You know I'm still actually a virgin believe it or not." He finally lifted his gaze to meet her eyes, flashing a brilliant smile.

"And you're gonna stay that way for now at least."

The door to Tifa's apartment burst open as one, joyous looking Cloud strife strode into the room, expecting to see the corpse of his kidnapper on the kitchen floor. Joy and delight gave way to shock and horror in the span of a fraction of a second as Tifa's eyes lit up at the sight of his entrance.

"Kadaj!" Cloud screamed frantically as he made his way out the door, Tifa standing up from her chair and getting ready to pounce. "What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to take her out!"

Kadaj calmly sipped another bit of his warm coffee as he silently watched Tifa tackle her victim to the floor, wrestling him into submission. "I was trying to understand my enemy first. A good warrior always does so."

* * *

"So you failed the mission?" an incredulous looking Yazoo shouted out, back at home, with Loz still not having returned.

"I wouldn't exactly call it a failure, but perhaps I should go back to the drawing board and rethink my strategy through. You know, regroup for the morning."

"But you didn't do anything Strife asked you to do. In fact, you did exactly the opposite of what was supposed to happen. And you let him get away! We were supposed to be after him in the first place!"

"It's ok, I still have another half of the mission to fulfill, so it's not a completely lost cause. I can already smell that bike now." Kadaj acknowledged the fact mentally, nodded once to himself and strode out of the room, oblivious to the evil pigeon glaring at him with vindictive intent through the window.

* * *

**Sephiroth: **The climatic clash between man and bird waged on for days, even decades as the two unstoppable forces collided with planet shattering effects, completely disregarding the well being of others.

**Marlene: **Did Kadaj ever get his bike?

**Sephiroth: **Kadaj did indeed experience the thrill of owning a new two wheeled machine but the euphoric feeling did not last long as the vehicle was subsequently destroyed by the eldest embecile as he mistook it for a baby carriage.

**Marlene: **I don't know Uncle Sephiroth...

**Sephiroth: **Say it child, say it. Say it and I shall make your death as quick and meaningless as possible.

**Marlene: **This was fairly weak. Two years and that's the best you could come up with?

**Sephiroth: **You seem to believe that one as great as myself would actually care what one as worthless as yourself would have to say.

**Marlene: **Don't you?

**Sephiroth: **Don't you ever shut up?


	5. Cid's Story

**Sephiroth: **Puppets, we meet again. Another two week hiatus courtesy of yours truly has left me hungry to tell yet another tale of grand mystique, pulse inducing adventure, unrivalled emotion and legendary character development.

**Marlene: **The end of 2008.

**Sephiroth:** Child, I've always grasped how unquestionably dimwitted you are but even an ounce of coherence behind that statement will be helpful in allowing me to understand your useless drivel.

**Marlene:** The end of 2008 is when you last told another story.

**Sephiroth:** What year is it now?

**Marlene:** Close towards the end of 2010. So nearly another two year gap.

**Sephiroth:** Time is transcendent, therefore in the grand scheme of things, it is actually irrelevant when my last great tale was spoken.

**Marlene:** I didn't understand a single thing you just said but your hair's still so pretty after all this time.

**Sephiroth:** I use Aloe Vera.

**Marlene:** So after this story, can we expect the next one during the Mayan apocalypse two years from now as predicted by their calender?

Sephiroth: At the rate you are going, you will not live long enough for the next update. Now, ignoring the idiot that you are, I present to the rest of you:

"**Cid's Story"**

The three men stared in awe as it lay lifelessly on the floor, burnt and disfigured, hardly discernable now as the once cute, spotlessly shiny white moogle it used to be.

"What were you trying to do here exactly?" Angeal asked.

"I was trying to test its heat tolerance with some fire materia so I just let one go at it," Zack replied.

"What level?"

"It was barely a level 1."

"I distinctly remember it being a level 3 materia," Genesis interjected, still staring down at the now completely black and scorched moogle.

"Zack?" Angeal questioned, turning to him.

"No one likes a snitch Gen," Zack spat back.

"The world needs a new hero," the red haired SOLDIER stated.

Angeal and Zack both paused momentarily, staring at him in question while he glanced down at the fried moogle. "What the hell does that mean?" Angeal asked.

Zack slowly shook his head at Genesis. "Seriously, you've been muttering that at the most random intervals for the past few weeks. Getting a little weird."

Genesis looked up casually. "If you're gonna take out Heidegger's Moogle, you need way more firepower than a 3 materia. You don't just want to burn it, you want to blast it into oblivion so that there's no evidence of it ever having existed. Luckily for you guys, I have just the thing."

The other two men stared at him in question as he brought up a gloved hand, heat beginning to emanate from within.

"G, what are you doing?" Angeal questioned, a hint of fear and uncertainty in his voice. After all, this was the same mentally suspect individual who recited lines of poems during battle and other inappropriate times while also randomly blurting out that the world needed a new hero.

Like during meditation sessions involving absolute silence. Or prayer.

"Seriously, what _are_ you doing?" Zack echoed.

"Relax guys, I got this under control." Genesis smirked faintly, as the loud, warm glow encompassing his raised arm suddenly exploded into a fury of heat and fire, encompassing the room.

* * *

Lazard stared on ahead at the three men seated in front of him side-by-side. All three of them looked like burnt charcoals, their clothes tattered and reeking of heavy smoke fumes. Fresh burns adorned their body.

He was not amused.

Although he was somewhat satisfied the moogle had been take care of, he wasn't happy with the fact that they had not taken care of it in the discreet manner he had proposed: By gagging it with chlorophyll and feeding it to Fred the Midgar Zolom.

Nor was he pleased at the prospect of having three of his prized 1st Class SOLDIER's nearly burn themselves to death. Had the automated fire containment system not kicked in, coupled with their superhuman healing abilities, the terrible trio would have joined their moogle friend deep underneath Heidegger's desk, because he preferred to use bodies as cushions to rest his feet up on.

"First off, before I start yelling at the three of you, I just want to say thanks for getting rid of that abomination and inevitably pissing that clown Heidegger off."

"That's what we're here for boss man." Zack gave a thumbs up. "We still got the Hojo set up to take care off though."

"Shut up," Lazard issued as a moment of silence passed. "Now…" Clasping his palms together and placing them towards his mouth, he looked towards Genesis in particular. Sighing painfully, he spoke. "Please explain to me, in as most logical a manner as possible, what it is exactly that you were trying to accomplish by setting off a master fire materia in a sealed room with the three of you inside?"

Genesis nodded thoughtfully and continued chewing his gum before he cleared his throat. "Okay. Could I have my book back?"

"No."

"Could I at least have some water then?"

"Unbelievable."

"Sir, if I may," Angeal began. "I th-"

"Stop talking." Lazard pointed at him, deathly serious. "Not another word." He turned back to Genesis. "I'm waiting."

"I wasn't actually just trying to fire off a wide blast with the master fire."

Lazard continued staring on incredulously, his eyes getting wider by the second. "So what the hell is it that you were trying to accomplish?"

Genesis looked at him seriously. "I was trying to concentrate a single beam on the moogle and evaporate him but I lost focus." He shook his head in disappointment. "I knew I should've recited some lines to get in the zone. My bad."

Lazard opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it. He appeared as if he wanted to kill Genesis then and there. He turned to Zack. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Gen was right, I should've just gone with a master fire to start, not this weak level 3 shit. It really is overrated. It's either full out or bust with that thing you know?"

Lazard glared at him one final time before looking at them all at once. "You're all suspended for the rest of the day."

"When can I have my book back?"

* * *

"Where are you heading off to little man?" Angeal asked.

"Going into the slums," Zack replied, turning around as he kept walking in the same direction. "I met this new babe."

"Rack size?" Genesis asked, peeking up from a new poetry book he'd swiped from a Turk. Well, more like took by force after the Turk had refused and gotten his wrist shattered in seven places at once.

Zack smiled slyly. "It's the personality that counts. Plus she's real pretty and you spend most of your time looking at the face anyways th-"

"A-cup," Angeal interrupted, nodding to himself.

"I say B," Genesis chimed in.

"Why are you guys so judgmental? I'm outta here." Zack began walking away.

The two senior soldiers quickly jogged up to him, each placing a hand on his opposite shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going?"

The younger SOLDIER frowned. "What did I just say?"

"The world needs a new hero," Genesis spoke the words mechanically again, staring off wistfully.

Zack just looked on dumbfounded before he turned to Angeal. "What the hell is wrong with him? Did he fire off a master at his head by accident?"

"You have to stop doing that G." Angeal looked on in concern.

Genesis shook his head, clearing his head before he turned back to Zack. "You're not going anywhere with a haircut like that. We have to do some styling. We can't have B-cup hook up with you looking like that."

Zack shrugged and rubbed a hand over his head. After a few moments, he nodded slowly. "Yeah I suppose. What barber are we going to?"

* * *

Zack was about to visibly urinate inside his SOLDIER issue purple cargo pants. His trembling figure did nothing to calm his nerves.

"Stand still will you?" Genesis was getting irritated, as he clutched a thick lock of Zack's hair, pulling it away from his scalp while the younger man bent over. "It's bad enough Lazard took away all our materia. I could've just fried off the excess."

"Something tells me that wouldn't have been the smartest of plans… but what do I know right?" Angeal interjected. He steadied the Buster Sword ahead of him as he lined it up with Zack's head while he bent over, Genesis still clutching an outstretched portion of his long hair. "Keep still, I don't want to cut off too little or too much."

"Hurry it up will you?" Genesis barked. "She's not gonna be waiting forever." With his free hand, he took out his poetry book and began reading a passage to pass the time.

"I still don't understand why you two want to come?" Zack's face couldn't be seen but it wasn't hard to assume he was nervous. Or smell that he was. "And why we couldn't just go to a regular barber?"

Genesis stopped reading and looked on in shock. "Are you mad?"

Angeal frowned, bringing down the blade for a second. "Really Zack, I thought you were smarter than that. We have to save money now. We're still in a full blown recession." He brought the blade up once more. "Just hold still. G, you got it?"

Genesis gave a nonchalant thumbs up, letting go of the hair in the process. "Whoops."

"Damnit." Angeal brought the blade down in frustration. "See, now we lost it again. Screw it, I'm just gonna go freestyle."

* * *

Zack looked over Angeal to his side as they rode the bus into the slums. "Hey I just wanna say thanks for only taking off a few pieces of skin off my scalp when you swung."

"It's what friends do." Angeal nodded, patting his friend on the shoulder as he proceeded to look out the window once more.

Zack continued staring at him intensely. "You do realize I'm going to kill you for this right?"

Angeal blinked several times and turned to look ahead to their right. "What's G doing?"

The two men turned their attention several seats up front where Genesis was engaged in a heated argument with an elderly lady. He had both aisle seats occupied as he stretched his legs out over them and his back to the window while the old woman was adamantly insisting that he bring his feet down so she could take one.

"Cool it bitch. I've told you several times already, I was here first," Genesis shot icily. "I'll break your other hip if I have to. I already killed a moogle today so I have no limits."

Now visibly pale, the woman was quiet for a moment before she cleared her throat. "I don't understand the difficulty in just scooting over?" she meekly replied, clutching on to her cane desperately while the bus hopped over a bump. "Is it so difficult to just bring your feet down?"

"Yes."

"Hey bring your feet down guy," A large burly man from far up front who had turned around shouted at Genesis.

Genesis glared at him in predatory fashion, his eyes unwavering and unblinking.

"Okay…" Angeal sighed, turning to Zack. "I think it's time to go."

"Yep," Zack acquiesced as the two of them got up and quickly but silently headed towards Genesis.

He looked up at them as they approached. "What? What're you guys doing? We're not there yet."

"This is our stop," Angeal insisted.

"It is?"

"This is our stop."

* * *

"I understand you were pissed that we had to walk the entire rest of the way, but did you have to set the tires of the bus on fire?" Zack questioned.

"At least he didn't blow it up with everyone inside like he threatened to when we got off," Angeal retorted.

"The world needs a new hero." Genesis muttered the words almost mechanically, staring off into the distance wistfully yet again.

"Why the hell do you keep saying that?" Zack exclaimed.

Angeal stopped, the rest following suit as they stared at him in question. He brought both arms up signaling for them to pause. "Hey wait, hold on."

"What's up?"

"Don't you guys get the strange feeling that there's a fourth member missing from this group? Some really, really important individual? Someone well respected among his peers?"

The three of them all shot glances between one another back and forth until they came to an understanding and nodded in unison. They then proceeded to cross the street and immediately entered a liquor store, coming out with the largest bottle of alcohol available several moments later. This all occurred minutes before Zack was struck by a oncoming car being handled by a drunk driver.

* * *

"I suppose there's some great sense of irony in that last bit." With folded arms, Angeal looked down at Zack as the cut up younger man sat on the sidewalk, getting his wind back.

Genesis surveyed the roads. "You realize we're gonna kill that guy right?"

Zack inhaled and exhaled deeply several more times before standing up, clutching his right abdomen in pain, face heavily swollen and bruised. "Later… Let's just get to her already, she's probably getting pissed by now, me being so late."

Genesis nodded matter-of-factly. "It's true. Women are always allowed to make us wait but never the other way around. What is that called again?"

"A double standard?" Angeal chimed in.

"Racism," Genesis fired back.

Angeal lightly shook his head and rolled his eyes once. Zack, despite his state, simply frowned in confusion as he looked towards the older black haired man. "But that doesn't ev-"

"Don't bother." Angeal continued shaking his head. "Just don't."

* * *

There she was.

Aeris. Standing there all alone by the corner of the busy street intersection in her fashionably awkward pink dress, she sold flowers to various people passing by, smiling heavenly each and every time.

The three men currently watching her did the bravest thing a trio of experienced, well respected, highly trained and extremely decorated individuals could during such a time:

They hid as inconspicuously as possible behind a tiny garbage can, which did nothing to mask their appearance as several onlookers passing by wondered just what the hell three crouched SOLDIER's huddled together could possibly be doing.

"That's her right?" Genesis inquired with a tip of his head.

"Yep. There she is." Zack beamed with pride. "What do you guys think?"

"B-cup, I was right." Genesis smirked and looked over at Angeal who rolled his eyes and fished inside his pocket for some bills before handing them over.

"Are you going to go say hi to her, or just crouch over here with us all day?" Angeal looked at Zack, before gazing ahead once more.

Zack frowned. "She can't see me like this. All my clothes are torn up. I'm bloodied, scratched, bruised and beaten."

"And your hair," Genesis added, never taking his eyes away from her.

"And my hair…" Zack confirmed. "Thanks for that by the way."

"Remember, my sword is bigger than yours. A lot bigger. Literally." Angeal stared at Zack with confidence. "Don't forget how much bigger it is."

Zack shrugged. "You never know, maybe one day I'll carry that paper weight around for myself."

Angeal snorted. "That'll happen. This sword is more important than you. But only by a little." He brought up his thumb and index finger, emulating an inch gap difference.

"Thanks for the show of fellow compassion."

"Guys," Genesis cut in. "I got an idea. I know how to get her attention." The other two men looked at him in question, before the looks quickly gave way to shock and horror as Genesis casually picked up a small fist sized rock and threw it at Aeris.

The rock collided with the side of her forehead as she was momentarily knocked to the ground, the flowers scattering everywhere in the process.

"What the hell are you doing?" Zack hissed vehemently, looking on in concern.

"Okay, that was the icebreaker. Now's your chance, go!" Genesis abruptly pushed Zack out from behind the garbage can as the younger male staggered forward several steps unexpectedly.

Aeris slowly got up to her feet in dazed fashion, rubbing her forehead tenderly and clearly confused and disoriented. Upon spotting Zack a distance away, she squinted for a second, not sure if her eyes were playing tricks on her.

She shook her head several times before rubbing her eyes, allowing them to adjust. "Hey!" she called out to him, waving her other hand. Smiling weakly, she motioned for him to come over.

Zack turned briefly at the other two men, who remained crouched and poorly hidden behind the garbage can like a pair of amateur thieves. With both of them signaling a thumbs up, he turned around and proceeded ahead.

"Aeris, hey." Zack approached her, noticing the large indent on the side of her forehead now. "How are you?"

"Actually it's Aerith now."

He blinked confusedly. "What?"

"My name, they changed it. It's been retconned. It's officially Aeris now. Go figure." She rubbed her head tenderly once more.

"Huh…" Zack rolled his tongue inside his cheek as he thought. "So…"

"So…" she drawled out, grinning. "What brings you to this part of the city? Rich boys and all…"

"Oh I was just in the neighborhood."

Aerith surveyed him from top to bottom several times. "What happened to you?"

"I got run over by a drunk driver. I think it was a form of poetic justice for all my transgressions throughout the day." Zack began nodding slowly several times, more so to himself than her.

"No I meant your hair." She looked up at the image of his head as if it had been attacked by a weed whacker.

"Psst. Hey. Hey." Genesis' whispers grew louder from the garbage can. "Psst. Hey!"

Aerith glanced over at the image of two pathetic, large, grown men crouched down together and peering at her with a pair of wide eyes. "Are those two your friends?" Zack glanced back at them.

"Psst. Hey!" Genesis continued whispering loudly.

"She can already see and hear you guys." Zack rolled his eyes and threw his arms up in exasperation before turning to Aerith.

"Psst. Hey, Zack. Hey!"

Zack turned around again and glanced at Genesis in disbelief. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Angeal stood up and slapped Genesis on the shoulder with a backhand. "Come on."

"Are you sure? I threw a rock at her head. A big one."

"No kidding." The two men slowly sauntered over towards the pair and looked at Aerith. "Hi, I'm Angeal." He shook her hand delicately. "This is G."

Genesis didn't bring his hand out to meet hers, escalating the level of awkwardness hanging in the air. Finally, Aerith brought her hand down and grabbed a pair of flowers. "Would you like a flower?" She gently pressed it up against his chest, her palm making contact with him.

He recoiled back in shock for a second before gaining his composure.

"What happened?" Zack frowned, with Angeal looking on.

"Whoa, future vision," Genesis responded quickly in one breath. He stared at Aerith with fascination as she returned his look with eager curiousity.

"What?" She was growing impatient.

"I just had this vision of you getting plowed through the back by a 6 foot long sword by some silver haired woman in leather." He stared at her in wonder. "I mean, you just get absolutely crushed here. We're talking complete and utter destruction. No chance." He made a motion with his hands, crossing them over one another, indicating she was finished. "Done"

The next second passed by slowly as her open palm struck his face at full force.

"That's for throwing a rock at my head." He appeared stunned for a second, his bangs covering his eyes before he turned to face her once more. She scoffed. "Do you have something to say?"

He spat out a small amount of blood and licked his lips. "The world needs a new hero."

* * *

"Overall, I thought that went pretty well for a second date." Genesis kept attempting to pick open the lock to the safe containing the materia as Zack and Angeal kept a lookout by the door.

"I must have seen things differently then…" Angeal muttered.

"You realize she's never gonna call me again!" Zack suddenly barked at the red hair SOLDIER, all of a sudden losing his temper. "Idiot. Well done telling her she gets impaled by a rod. What the hell possessed you to do that?"

"I didn't say rod, I said 6 foot long sword," Genesis corrected in a very matter-of-fact manner as the safe clicked open.

Suddenly, a horrified cry rang throughout the floor, jilting the three men from their thoughts.

"Arrgggh! What the hell happened to my moogle?" Heidegger screamed at the top of his lungs from down the hall. "Hojo!"

* * *

**Sephiroth:** And then Hojo, having been expertly set up by the trio, was appropriately mercilessly terminated. As for our pink clad heroine, she would continue selling flowers and keep a lookout for further unexpected projectiles coming her way.

**Marlene:** Didn't that thing Genesis mention happen to her occur because of you?

**Sephiroth:** I know nothing of this incident you allude to. Child, you seem troubled all of a sudden. Was this tale not of adequate caliber?

**Marlene:** Well this has been bothering me throughout the story so I have to ask…

**Sephiroth:** Speak your piece and be finished.

**Marlene:** Absolutely what did Cid have to do with this story to have it named after him?

**Sephiroth:** Are you being deranged again? Enough with this continued preposterous nonsense.

**Marlene:** You presented this as Cid's story but he wasn't even in it once.

**Sephiroth:** Fallacious remarks hold no bearing here.

**Marlene:** Seriously, how drunk are you?

**Sephiroth:** Are you finished?

**Marlene:** One more question. The part where Genesis used fire materia to burn the bus tires, how did he do it when he stated earlier that all their materia had been taken away?

**Sephiroth:** He used matches.

**Marlene:** Matches can burn bus tires with ease now?

**Sephiroth:** Questions, questions, questions! Always with the questions. Do you ever stop? It is becoming infuriating. What else?

**Marlene:** Actually, I'm just gonna go hibernate between now and until the next update is in store.

**Sephiroth:** Where's my vodka?


	6. Cid's Story For real this time

**Sephiroth: **How long has it been this time?

**Marlene: **Ten months. Not bad uncle Sephiroth.

**Sephiroth: **A fine example of my dedication. My ability to churn out awe inducing tales knows no bounds.

**Marlene: **Well to be honest, I thought your last one was kinda weak.

**Sephiroth: **Bite your tongue or die child.

**Marlene: **At least it wasn't as bad as Kadaj's story even though it didn't make any sense.

**Sephiroth: **My tales are legendary. Feel privileged to hear them.

**Marlene: **Yeah but the last one was supposed to be about Cid and he had nothing to do with it.

**Sephiroth: **Child?Where is the vodka? Go perform your scheduled duty for dear old uncle.

**Marlene: **Yes uncle Sephiroth…

**Sephiroth: **And now, in a brief moment of clarity as I await my precious alcohol, I present to you:

"**Cid's Story" (For real this time)**

He had a massive problem.

It was far larger than anything else throughout his life.

The drinking, the gambling, the constant misallocation of resources, mismanagement of time, a lack of empathy towards his fellow man and last but not least, the incessant smoking. All those vices paled in comparison to his biggest problem. A problem Shera made a point of mentioning more and more, stressing the importance of addressing it before he could take the next step forward.

This problem, unlike most of the others, didn't require the purchase of anything or even cause physical degradation to the body in any way. No, what this problem entailed was simple. It entailed a lack of character. A lack of class. Two concepts already foreign to him.

Yet Shera insisted that he pick up a bit of both to become a more dignified man.

Dignified? This was Cid Highwind she was talking about here. Dignified was the furthest thing from his vocabulary. And therein lay the problem.

Cid's dilemma?

He swore.

More than that. He swore too much. Way too much. According to Shera at least… And perhaps Cloud. And Vincent. And Tifa. And maybe Yuffie the brat (who continued sending him unsolicited explicit pictures of herself). Ditto for Reeve and if Aerith were alive, she'd probably object to his colorful choice of narrative as well. Even the damn dog probably objected to his rough verbal nature.

But there was one member of the group Cid always had a fondness of. A man who shared the same love for choice words that he possessed.

Barret.

So it came as no surprise when he agreed to go to an anger management and swear therapy clinic at the request of Shera only if Barret accompanied him.

The joke was on her. After all, it'd be a cold day in hell before Barret ever even contemplated the prospect of rehabilitating his speech.

Cid stormed into the house from the yard, throwing his dirty gloves to the floor and walking into the kitchen, leaving a trail of mud behind. "Shera! Where's my damn tea woman! It ain't gonna make itse-" Instantly he froze at the sight around the dining table.

There was Shera. Yes of course. Expected.

And Barret. Not of course. Not expected.

"Cid, Barret's here," Shera greeted jovially.

"Think I'm damn blind woman? I can see. What the hell you doin' here?" He glared at the large black man, who in turn, stared back miserably, a sullen expression present. "Whatsa' matter with you? Did your arm break down again or somethin'?"

"Cid… you remember that discussion we had about your language?" Shera began.

"Yeah?" The pilot's blue eyes danced vividly back and forth between the two seated occupants.

"Remember how I asked you to go seek professional help a-"

"And I said over my damn dead body I'd ever see someone! I told you I won't go see anyo-" Suddenly, the grizzled pilot's voice died on his lips as instant realization sank in and his panicked eyes met Barret's once more. "Tell me you're frickin' kidding."

"I'm not kidding," Shera stated plainly, her arms folded neatly in front of her.

"This is impossible!" Cid couldn't believe it, still staring at Barret. "What the hell you so quiet for?" he yelled. "Tell me she's kidding! How can you agree to this?"

With a heavy sigh, Barret stood up and approached him. "I needed someone to look after Marlene. Shera offered in exchange for a favor."

"Why the hell can't Titties and Spike do it?"

Barret looked on uncomfortably. "They're… having issues…"

"What kind of frickin' issues?"

"Personal space issues. From Cloud's perspective at least."

Cid grimaced in confusion. "You telling me dipshit is finding the proximity to Ms. Jugs a little too comfortable for his liking?"

Barret shrugged. "Pack your shit up. We gotta go."

"What a homo. He must be a faggot."

Shera stood up in frustration and approached Cid. "See this is exactly what I'm talking about! You can't just go around calling people that, let alone your friends!"

He glared back at her in disbelief. "Sure I can. Since when has it stopped me before you cankerous bitch?"

* * *

Cid and Barret sat around in a circle of chairs comprising other members of their anger management meeting.

The red hand mark from Shera was still there despite it having been over a week since the incident. The woman could hit. He had to give her that.

"All right Cid. It's your turn now," Scarlet turned to him. "Is there anything you'd like to share today?"

"Not really bitch."

"Now Cid. We've talked about this."

"Where the hell are my cigarettes?"

"Smoking is prohibited in a place of healing," she responded professionally, offering a plastic smile.

"I bet the last time you had a good dicking was in high school," he pointed at her, grinning. He leaned forward in his chair, his smile widening. "Am I right?"

* * *

"Dumbass idea to embarrass Scarlet like that, dumbass," Barret commented, looking out below through the large glass windows of the detention room, which also substituted as the rec room due to a recession and aggressive budget cuts.

"Whatever," Cid pressed up against the glass next to him. "Bitch started it. Besides, it's your damn fault anyways for getting us an infraction. Who shoots his gun off in the middle of the room?"

"It malfunctioned," Barret continued peering out below. Upon further glance, he squinted and could've sworn he saw a familiar spiky haired blonde running frantically through the streets while a brunette female chased after him fervently, a taser in one hand, rope in the other.

"We gotta get the hell outta this piece of shit place." Cid turned from the window to survey the room full of misfits, rejects, psychos and Rufus. "Rufus can you get us out of here?"

The wheel chaired man, still covered in his white blanket, giggled hysterically, prompting both men to cover their ears momentarily. "Hee hee hee! Guy's I'm so horny right now! Are you?"

"No," Cid shot back hastily.

"Not anymore," Barret added, checking his gun arm. "I wish they wouldn't have taken all the ammo out.

"Selfish prick!" Cid bellowed. "Now we'll never frickin' get out! And we're stuck with this idiot!"

"Guys look!" Rufus began laughing maniacally once more, spinning in his wheelchair in circles over and over. "Fun! Fun!"

"Fun!" Barret mimicked before kicking him hard on the side of his wheelchair and sending him crashing to the floor.

Somehow, the mysterious blanket remained overtop, covering him in his entirety.

* * *

"You insult one of my top employees, physically assault a handicapped individual and then steal the last pieces of pizza from the kitchen after you'd each been given a share." Heidegger glared on in disbelief from behind his office chair as Cid and Barret sat across.

"Technically Barret stole them both while I watched."

"It was the worst pizza ever," Barret added.

Cid glared ahead at Heidegger. "I find it damn ironic that you and Scarlet are both running an anger clinic."

"Well…" Heidegger breathed out. "I'm not the author of this impossibly shitty story. Some deranged higher power obviously has a sick and twisted sense of humor."

"I got somethin' twisted for you." Cid shot up from his chair, bringing both palms on the desk and leaning forward. "It was twisted and it was long but your wife enjoyed it."

Heidegger quirked an eyebrow. "Did she now?"

"Yes. More than my penis."

* * *

Cid and Barret looked out through the window of the detention room once more and spotted a vaguely familiar spiky haired individual frantically run across the street once more. Moments later, an energetic brunette female crossed as well, a tranquilizer gun in one hand, and rope in the other.

A pigeon followed shortly after in flight.

"Gotta get out of this shithole." Cid backed away from the window, pacing back and forth. "We need a damn plan."

Barret turned to look at him. "Way ahead of you."

Cid quirked an eyebrow. "Really? You actually used your head for once?"

"Hey!" Barret barked. "I was in AVALANCHE alright! I blew up a sector once!"

"Acts of terrorism are something to brag about now? Didn't that giant plate come down and kill some people?"

"Do you wanna hear my plan or not you senile drunk?"

* * *

"That's your plan?" Cid asked his taller comrade in disbelief while they walked through the halls.

Barret nodded once. "Yeah."

"Let me get this straight. You wanna invite Rufus over with us to the detention room for an afternoon cookie and then launch him and his wheelchair into the window to break it?"

"Yeah."

"So then after we break the damn window, how the hell do we get down?" Cid noticed Scarlet turning a corner and immediately pulled Barret out of view and into an adjacent room. The dim light flickered and they turned in unison to stare at a black haired man covered in bandages strapped down to his bed. He gazed back blankly.

"Who the hell's this freak?" Barret asked.

"Seriously, who are you freak?" Cid added.

"Untie me and I'll tell you," Nero stated calmly.

"Why you tied up guy?" Barret asked.

"Yeah guy, why you tied up?" Cid echoed again.

Barret turned towards the blonde haired pilot in frustration. "Can you stop doing that? Asshole?"

Cid glared back in confusion. "Do what, you failed piece of shit miner?"

"Repeat everything I say you limp dick idiot!" Barret stepped up to him, towering from above.

"Limp dick? I'm not the one who compensates for size by having a gun arm grafted on."

The two of them glared daggers at one another for several seconds and things were about to escalate when Nero cleared his throat.

"Dudes… Bros. Broskis. Can we all just be chill for a second here please?" he pleaded from his spot on the bed. "Hello? Helpless tied up victim in need of some attention here?"

Cid tore his eyes away from the larger man and glared at Nero. "Seriously, why the hell are you tied up?"

"Yeah, why the hell you tied up?" Barret mocked, sending Cid a sinister grin.

Cid pointed a finger at him. "Don't… Just don't start you overweight, undereducated hick…"

"Listen… I'd love to be in the middle of this lover's quarrel but I just want a nice crunchy cookie before bedtime," Nero stated. "They have a few left in the kitch-"

"They have cookies in the frickin' kitchen?" Cid yelled excitedly.

"Let's go! What the hell we waitin' for?" Barret roared as the two of them raced out.

"Hey! Hey wait! Idiots! You forgot me!" Nero raged. He did a lot of that.

* * *

"Best cookies ever." Cid finished his up with a final bite, swallowing in satisfaction. "Need some damn beer."

Barret gobbled his final cookie in one bite. "Hell yeah," he spoke with a mouth full of food. "Cookies solve all of life's problems."

"Agreed, let's go see if that bitch Scarlet will give us anymore."

"I'll shoot her fat ass if she doesn't."

"With what? Your limp size penis?"

At the comment, Barret smacked the pilot across the head with his gun arm, rendering him unconscious and possibly doing everyone a favor.

* * *

Cid's eyes opened and he found himself in a familiar place once more: the detention room. He rose from the couch and approached the window, rubbing the back of his head gingerly.

"What the hell happened?"

He of course, wasn't referring to how he'd been knocked unconscious, for he was aware of his idiot comrade's careless and insensitive action from earlier. No instead, he was referring to a large wreckage of cars in the streets below.

Barret continued staring out the window in awe. "It came out of nowhere."

Cid squinted in confusion. "What did?"

"The pigeon."

* * *

Cid and Barret watched the TV with other members in the lounge, taking in with mild interest a news story involving Fred the Midgar Zolom and his latest victims, a pair of turks who had foolishly embarked on a quest to rescue an apparently already dead moogle courtesy of false intelligence.

"All right everybody! Lights out in ten!" Scarlet stood in front of everyone, blocking the TV.

"Move your ass you sociopathic hoebag!" Cid shot impatiently.

"Get away from the TV bitch!" Barret bellowed, throwing a raisin cookie. He detested those.

She expertly dodged it and wagged a finger at him. "Now, now Barret. You know with that kind of attitude and action, you'll never get anything accomplished in here."

It was Cid's turn next as the large plate containing crumbs he threw connected perfectly with her face, rendering her unconscious. He stood up defiantly and pointed down at her in triumph. "That's how it's done you rackless man hating tranvestite! That's how we roll out west!"

Barret stood up and bumped fists with Cid, looking down at her in satisfaction. "Got nothin' to say now do ya? You were so much tougher in the game."

* * *

"How the hell do we always end up on this side of the room?" Cid whined, staring out through the large windows of the detention room once more. He squinted as he made out a familiar spiky haired blonde running for dear life down below. Several seconds passed before an energetic brunette female followed, a harpoon in one hand, rope in the other.

Barret turned from his spot and went up to Cid. "I think you and I both know what we need to do now."

Cid thought for a second. "Raid Heidegger's liquor cabinet? It's been on my mind since I saw it."

Barret shook his head. "No. The plan."

* * *

With trepidation and massive anxiety, the two of them stealthily navigated the quiet dark halls during the late hours of the night before stopping short of their destination. Exchanging glances, they nodded before quietly creeping in and shutting the door behind them.

Like a robot, Rufus turned around in his wheelchair, the ubiquitous white blanket still covering him entirely. "Guys! Did you two come for playtime?"

"Playtime? The hell?" Barret wasn't entirely sure if he was supposed to be confused or frightened.

Cid just glared before opening his mouth. "What kind of sick, twisted shit goes on in here behind closed doors you simple psychotic fu-"

"Rufus, we came because we need you for a mission!" Barret whispered excitedly, punching Cid in the shoulder in the process.

"A secret!" Rufus hushed back. "Hee, hee, hee! I love secrets."

"Great, you're in," Cid stated miserably.

"I have a secret too guys!" Rufus continued to shout in a low whisper.

"I can definitely wait to hear it." Cid wasn't kidding.

"Same." Barret wasn't either.

"Sshhh… guys! Sshhh! You'll- You'll wake it up! Hee, hee, hee! Sshh! Guys! Come closer and I'll tell you the secret.

Exchanging a pair of nervous glances, both men swallowed uncomfortably and edged closer, bringing their heads lower towards where Rufus's head was underneath the blanket.

"What is it?" Cid asked. He wasn't sure why. Common sense told him to simply run.

Rufus was still for a moment, unmoving and for a second, both men secretly prayed that he had died.

"Moogles!" He screamed quietly, laughing in psychotic manner once more. "Hee, hee, hee!"

Barret fell back, shooting his pilot comrade a grave glare. "Can we just kill him now?"

Cid paused to contemplate it for a second. The offer was tempting but… "No."

"Okay let me just cripple him."

"He's already frickin' crippled."

"Let me cripple him more. It wouldn't be a crime. He's already useless."

Cid wondered when Rufus was ever useful to begin with.

* * *

Careful not to be spotted by the night patrol, Cid and Barret expertly navigated the halls, pushing Rufus along until they made it to the detention room aka the opposite end of the rec area.

"Look it's real damn simple," Cid explained to Rufus, who only continued giggling like a little schoolgirl for reasons unknown. "You fly out and land safely in the thick garden below in your wheelchair thanks to these parachute blankets we tied up for you. We jump out right after with our own parachute blankets and do the same."

"Then we can have teatime with friends?" Rufus asked before giggling once more.

Barret, having already grown impatient, grabbed the hind handle bars and forcefully pushed Rufus towards the glass. The window exploded magnificently into millions of tiny fractured crystalline pieces as Rufus was sent soaring into the streets below.

"Guys I'm flying!" he screamed, his voice fading with the wind before he crashed horrifically into the asphalt below, far short of the projected garden.

Cid and Barret stared through the broken window in silent shock for several moments, digesting the scenario and letting it all sink in.

"Hmm…" Cid rolled his tongue across his cheek. "Those parachutes really didn't fricking' do anything did they?"

"No…" Barret's eyes remained glued down below. "No they didn't. Not one damn bit."

"I mean… I thought I had them down." Cid continued to stare on in fascination. "I just can't believe how quickly he plummeted. They literally didn't slow down his fall at all."

"I thought you called yourself an aircraft mechanic and pilot. Isn't this right up your alley?"

"I guess the laws of gravity and aerodynamics eluded me this time."

* * *

Heidegger stared ahead sternly at the two men across from him. "This behavior's simply not acceptable. I can't believe what I'm about to do. After having witnessed your erratic mindless actions myself, it goes against my better judgment of calling the authorities for multiple counts of aggravated assault and now first degree murder but I'm simply gonna have to ask you two to leave."

Cid and Barret glared at him for an entire span of ten long and awkward seconds.

"So you're saying…" Cid began.

"…That we can go?" Barret added excitedly.

Heidegger nodded before putting up a hand. "Right after we file the paperwork."

* * *

"Stuck here for another goddamn week. Can you believe this shit?" Cid raged as they walked through the halls. "You just can't get good service these days. Even getting someone killed involves going through paperwork before they can say you did it."

"Do you think the blanket was okay?" Barret asked seriously.

"I hope so. It's the only thing I really miss."

"Pssst!" A voice whispered from a nearby room they passed, prompting the two men to stop and go back. "Psst! Hey! Guys!"

A sinking feeling began setting in as the two of them exchanged looks of disbelief.

Cid swallowed heavily. "No frickin' way. It can't be…"

Entering the room, they were met with the dim lights once more and the familiar bandaged fellow from before.

"Oh…" Barret grunted in amusement, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. "It's just you."

Cid chuckled. "We thought you were that assbag Rufus."

"The guy you two killed by throwing him out the window?" Nero asked.

"Hey!" Barret pointed a stern finger. "We didn't throw. We pushed."

"Look whatever. I heard how you guys want out."

"Yeah…?" Cid pressed, not sure where this was going. "So?"

"So I'm saying I can help." Nero explained.

"I'm not seeing this." Barret shook his head.

"Me neither. How?"

"I have the darkness. If you untie me and turn off the lights, I can unleash it and we can all get out of here." Nero continued, gazing at them with eager eyes. "Come on… what do you say?"

"The darkness?" Barret asked. "Is that like the dark side?"

"Like frickin' Emperor Palpatine?" Cid's eyes widened. "You can shoot lightning?"

"Oh my God…" Nero smashed his head back into his pillow repeatedly out of frustration. "No- Look… Just listen. Untie me and I'll show you. All right?"

Giving each other curious looks, both men finally shrugged and went over to opposite sides of the bed, beginning to undue the straps.

* * *

**Sephiroth**: Moments after both imbeciles freed the man in chains, the entire room and its contents were swallowed up, ceasing to exist. Their brainless act led to further damage as the man who called himself Nero continued to consume and absorb everything within site, leaving a destructive path behind.

**Marlene**: So… Nero's gonna go kill everyone then?

**Sephiroth**: Let us hope so. A purging and rebirth would be beneficial to everyone, including the likes of yourself.

**Marlene**: But who can stop him uncle Sephiroth? Someone has to stop him!

**Sephiroth**: Fear not child. For every villain has an equal and capable adversary.

**Marlene**: You?

**Sephiroth**: Don't be silly child. I've already retired as champion.

**Marlene**: Champion of what? Sloth?

**Sephiroth**: Go fetch me my sword and I'll show you.


	7. Reeve's Story

**Marlene**: Uncle Sephiroth. Uncle Sephiroth!

**Sephiroth**: Hm— Huh? I swear officer, she said she was eighteen!

**Marlene: **What?

**Sephiroth: **Oh right... Story time...

**Marlene**: Look Uncle Sephiroth, my dad's probably getting worried by now so do you think I—

**Sephiroth**: And why would that brutish oaf be concerned?

**Marlene**: Because I've been gone nearly six years…

**Sephiroth**: I suppose one might construe that as a problem… But enough with the technicalities! It's time for yet another tale.

**Marlene**: Are you ser—

**Sephiroth**: Vodka! Now!

**Marlene**: Yes Uncle Sephiroth…

**Sephiroth**: Gather around fellow readers, for it's time that I present to you:

"**Reeve's Story"**

Taking a sip of the rich, tantalizing coffee he'd carefully brewed just moments earlier, Reeve stretched out on his office chair, cracking his knuckles, in preparation for a little online forum posting. It was a daily ritual for him early in the morning, to acclimate himself to the daily lingo in order to better connect with the younger public during media relation events.

Ever since the responsibility of restoring Midgar to its once former glory fell on him, he'd made it a mission to be a more progressive leader than his predecessors. After all, what good was a representative who couldn't mix it up with the common crowd from time to time?

Truthfully, when it came to online forums, Reeve was more of a lurker than a poster, opting to simply absorb the witty anecdotes and incessant diatribes that often resulted in flame wars. He often questioned how one could stoop down to the level where all logic was replaced with pure, unfiltered "fanboyism" as the younger crowd called it. It was actually quite amusing, watching the devolution of society online. For him, it was a simple pleasure he could appreciate in light of the daily monotony involving paperwork, crunching budget numbers and preparing public speeches.

"Let's see here…" he murmured to himself as he logged into his favorite video game site. Scouring through the various posts, he found one particularly heated topic concerning the current state of the console race. Reeve had only recently become familiar with them and now knew that the market was dominated primarily by the Sunny PlayBox, Macrohard's X-Station and the Teenundo MyWee! In fact, he was proud to be a recent owner of a MyWee!, having even spent some time playing some of the purchased games over the past several weeks. It truly was a pleasant escape from the daily rigors.

He wasn't sure how many of his colleagues gamed as well. He was aware that Yuffie owned an X-station. Also, he recalled a recent visit to Tifa's bar, spotting both Denzel and Marlene playing on their PlayBox. He wondered if Tifa and Cloud ever joined in but had to chuckle at that because he simply couldn't see it. Especially Cloud.

Reeve never really understood the need for people to personally attach themselves to their consoles, as if they were extensions of their beings. As far as he was concerned, they were machines meant to provide a moderate source of entertainment, nothing more. So how someone could get so worked up when his or her favorite console was insulted by another remained a mystery to him. Perhaps it was simply one of those things he would never figure out.

Reeve clicked the controversial topic in question and after spending several minutes reading through the various posts with mild amusement, found himself itching to respond to one in particular.

_Message posted at 6:43:14 am by BoxRulez4lyfe:_

_lol! MYWEE? please. that turd is the shittiest shit that was ever shat out of anyones ass. In fact, its so shitty that the shit it shits doesn't even wanna be affilieatted with it. its that bad. Pleese son, the PlayBox is were its at. What kind of stupid gayass name is MYWEE naywayz? did it come out of the gayass north crater along with all the other gay things that have come out of itt?_

Reeve wasn't sure if it was the crude nature of the post, the rife spelling errors, or the blatant butchering and complete disregard for the English language that set him off. After all, he was working hard to inject more money into the public school systems to avoid atrocities like this. Or perhaps it was the insensitive remark regarding the North Crater, which was a sore subject for Reeve. The least the poster could have done was leave that part out.

Still… Reeve normally wouldn't have bothered with a reply, but as a new owner of a Wee!, he felt the least he could do was shed some positive light on a system he felt received too much unfair criticism.

And so for the first time ever, Reeve did the unthinkable: he posted a response.

_Message posted at 8:02:59 am by WHOdat?:_

_BoxRulez4lyfe, there's really no need for that kind of insensitivity. Let's keep things civil and try and make this forum better for everyone. What do you say?_

_And just for the record, MyWee! is a great system. There's no need to degrade something which you feel holds no utility value for you. Let others enjoy it as they see fit._

Feeling satisfied with his succinct response, Reeve decided to log off and attend to other matters around the office. The rest of the employees would be coming in right now so it was time to prepare the daily itinerary.

* * *

Reeve loved the mid-morning coffee break for two reasons: it allowed him time to evaluate how the day was going and adjust accordingly, and it granted him fifteen crucial minutes to unwind and check the latest happenings on the web.

After reading up on some recent events all around Edge, he logged onto the gaming site and scrolled to the topic of interest, searching for a reply to his post.

_Message posted at 9:21:01 am by BoxRulez4lyfe:_

_Hey douchebag WHODAT or whatever youre stupid name is, you sound older than my granpa and he's dead. why don't u go get in youre gayass coffen and die already you old fart. u sound like the douchiest douche whoever lived. In fact, you're so douche that you make douche people look not douche. That's how douche u are. And dont try and sugercote it but MYWEE is just as gay and douchy as you. You two belong together. why don't you go make out with it already u creepy old loner?_

Reeve sat in stunned silence, staring at the monitor in shock. He definitely hadn't expected this. At worst, he expected a subtle crude remark or a very minor underhanded comment but this? This was something else entirely.

_Message posted at 10:14:45 am by WHOdat?:_

_BoxRulez4lyfe, I'm not entirely sure what is that I've written that's offended you so readily but there's really no need for that kind of language ever. If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to discuss this in a civil manner and get to the bottom of where all your source of anger is coming from. _

_I meant no disrespect earlier, so please don't misconstrue my post. I'm simply attempting to instill some civility in a place I feel the mods have unfortunately given up on. Also, for the record, just because I own a MyWee! doesn't make me old. In fact, many younger people own one as well._

Reeve checked his watch. It was time for the pre-lunch staff meeting.

* * *

"I can see you're all beginning to doze off," Reeve remarked, gazing around the boardroom table. "I'll tell you what… Everyone take five, get up, walk around and stretch. Do whatever you need to but be back here in five. We still got a lot to cover."

"Yes sir," the staff replied in unison.

"Yuffie?" Reeve called out to her. The young ex-ninja had just recently become a permanent employee with the WRO after finally giving up on her former life as a petty thief. Truthfully, she was a far better secretary than he'd ever anticipated.

"Hey Reeve, what's up?" she called out chirpily.

"You own an X-Station right?"

She stared at him in puzzlement for a second. "This isn't a conversation I ever expected to be having with you."

"Why? Because I'm old and don't seem like the video game type?"

With a chuckle, she shrugged sheepishly. "Well… yeah…"

He dismissed the remark. "I was just wondering… What's your take on MyWee!"

"I mean it's a little underpowered compared to the others but it gets the job done."

"But you wouldn't say it's designed strictly for older people right?"

"Them… and really young kids as well. It's adequate for a particular crowd who don't need much to be pleased." She looked on, unsure if that was the response he was looking for.

"Okay thanks." With not much time to spare, Reeve found himself back in his office chair, eager to see if his reply had netted a response.

_Message posted at 11:37:41 am by BoxRulez4lyfe:_

_LOL! LMAO! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? SRYSLY GRANPA? dood, you sound like the most oldest nurd ni history, even worse than the douche I described before. no u know what? you're not even a douche, you're douchebitch, where even the douches make u there bitch. that's how big of a douche and a bitch u are. your probably such a douchbitch that even they wont let you into their little douchbitch fanclub. ROFL BBQSAUCE!XD! #!#!OWNZERZ!_

_heres an idea douchebtich, why dont u just bend over already and sav me the troublle? your lucky to be hiding behind your comp right now granpa. _

Never in recent memory had Reeve been as appalled as this. For someone to not just call him a bitch—as Sephiroth once did during their infamous battle at the Northern Crater, insisting that only a bitch would hide behind a mechanical robot during a potentially planet ending battle—but a douchebitch was something that didn't sit quite well with him. And the comment about him having to bend over? Those days as an intern under Heidegger were long over.

"He's just a kid Reeve…" he uttered to himself. "Just a kid… Take the high road. Just shake your head, laugh and walk away now. It's a stupid message board full of juveniles. No need to stoop to their level. You're better than this." Standing up proudly, Reeve smoothed over his suit and headed back towards the staff room.

Exactly nine seconds passed before he raced back in.

_Message posted at 11:57:09 am by WHOdat?:_

_BoxRulez4lyfe, I'm beginning to grow quite tired of your little charade. I see what you're doing and it's not working. I won't give you the pleasure of verbally antagonizing me like that. This is what you do. You feed off of other's emotions by adding more fuel to the fire. You're nothing but a troll. There, I said it. I'm sorry but it's the truth. _

_Have a nice day and hopefully you'll smarten up before you get banned._

* * *

When lunchtime rolled around, Reeve found himself at his desk again, ignoring his sandwich while anxiously logging into his account. He promised himself this would be the last time he would check. "I'll just see what he says," he assured himself.

_Message posted at 12:12:51 am by BoxRulez4lyfe:_

_stfu noob. Why don't u go play bingo? Isn't that what old people do at noon?_

Reeve's expressionless face remained frozen while his eyes hardened into narrow slits.

_Message posted at 1:06:24 am by WHOdat?:_

_Listen you inconsiderate little piece of shit. Why don't you show other people on here a little more respect before they eventually end up finding you and breaking your scrawny little legs? It's people like you who make this forum an unpleasant place to visit._

* * *

Feeling mentally exhausted after listening to the hour long pitch from a group of building contractors eager to erect new high rises along the outskirts of Edge, Reeve plopped down into his chair and turned on his monitor.

After responding to various emails, he found himself with a few spare minutes. "No," he said to himself. "I'm done with it…"

He continued glaring at the monitor as it stared back soundlessly, as if silently pleading with him to do what needed to be done. Finally caving to the power of computer pressure, he decided it wouldn't hurt just to take a quick peek. But this time however, no matter what was written, he would no longer allow himself to get so emotionally carried away.

Reeve noticed that there was a special message in his private box from the moderator. That was strange…

_Message posted at 1:59:52 pm by moderator :_

_Due to the inflammatory and threatening nature of your last post, which was brought to my attention by BoxRulez4lyfe, you've received an infraction. This is only a warning but further action will result in the suspension of your account pending review. _

_Have a nice day._

"Have a nice day?" Reeve scoffed. That immature brat! The nerve to report him to the moderator! Why, he could have simply done the same to him but he hadn't on account of the sacrosanct message board code. Everyone with decency in the online forum world knew this was a line you didn't cross. But by doing so, his foe had initiated a dangerous slippery slope.

Reeve knew he'd promised himself that he would no longer expend energy in the matter but this was different. His foe had snitched him out and that kind of deplorable offense wouldn't be tolerated by a man of his integrity.

_Message posted at 2:44: 29 pm by WHOdat?:_

_So you're a snitch now BoxRulez4lyfe? Is that what it's come down to, snitching on fellow members? I never thought you'd stoop so low. If I remember correctly, there's a certain unwritten code that's just never supposed to be breached. I certainly didn't, despite your rude comments, yet you go behind my back and call me out to the moderator for something quite tame in comparison to what you posted?_

_I wasn't aware that's how we operated in these forums. I truly expected some form of civility here but I guess I was wrong. I'll be waiting to hear from you._

"Reeve?" Yuffie stuck her head inside the door.

Startled, he looked up. "Yuffie? What is it?"

"We have a few people from the northern district here to see you about some piping problems in some of their buildings?"

Sighing, he nodded and logged off.

* * *

"So as you can see, if the WRO can issue us some funds, we can proceed with the galvanization effort. Improved pipe longevity will ensure their durability for future generations," one of the committee members explained.

"Right, right…" Reeve muttered absently, his eyes looking through the meeting room glass towards the far side of his office.

"Mr. Tuesti, forgive me for coming off as impolite, but are you even listening?"

"Hmm?" His attention snapped back towards the group of anxious faces—three men and three women—who'd personally requested to meet with him. It was a meeting that had taken months to set up. He stared at them all for a second before clearing his throat and getting up. "Would you just excuse me for a moment?"

* * *

_Message posted at 2:59:07 pm by BoxRulez4lyfe:_

_Yeah i ratted u out, what are u gonna do aboout it? Ownd granpa. U got sonned! what? u got nothin! That's right, nothing because the time it'll take u to gett up and walk across from wherever the hell it is u r to over here with ur patheticass cane will be so logn that ill have already aged and died by then multiple tims over_

_So this is waht I have to say to u: Suck it granpa. Suk uit. U got got you doutchbitchass noob._

* * *

Reeve found himself clenching his teeth so hard that his gums began to hurt.

_Message posted at 3:14:23 pm by WHOdat?:_

_Why are you so angry? I'm trying to reason with you and you won't even give me the chance. If you insist on making a fool of yourself and posting wildly inflammatory remarks then I'll have no choice but to go against my code of ethics and report you._

Not entirely satisfied, Reeve felt he had to add more but Yuffie stuck her head through the door. "Uh Reeve? What're you doing?"

Rolling his eyes, he glared at her. "Yuffie, five minutes. Just five minutes."

"Reeve they've been waiting for this meeting for over three months. You insisted that you have face time with them personally for public relations purposes. Remember? Can't whatever this is wait another half hour?"

Reeve found himself committing a habit he'd long believed to have abandoned: biting his fingernails.

"So as you can see…" The man speaking eyed him peculiarly. "Everything all right Mr. Tuesti?"

"My apologies but it seems that I may have left my phone back in office. It's imperative that I retrieve it as there's some information pertinent to our meeting on there."

* * *

_Message posted at 3:16:40 pm by BoxRulez4lyfe?:_

_Go ahead and report me granpa. like im scared of u and youre douchebitch cane. why dont you and all the rest of your old douchefriends round up your shriveled WEEs and come fine me. ill still kick all your asses._

"Reeve? What're you doing?" Yuffie asked with a stunned look. "You said you were going to get your phone."

* * *

"So what do you think of our proposal Mr. Tuesti? The potenti—"

"I just need a moment to use the public restroom. It won't take long."

_Message posted at 3:35:11 pm by WHOdat?:_

_Listen you gutless little puke. I bet it's so easy to hide behind your keyboard and monitor and talk big but the truth of it is, you're probably nothing more than a whiny, spoiled little child whose sense of entitlement has led him here on this destructive path of cynicism and universal hate for everything and everyone. Your parents would be ashamed of you right now if they found out the things you've been typing. On a good day, you have the mind of an infant with Down syndrome._

_What you fail to understand puke, is that I will ultimately track you down and find you. Rest assured that I will. This is guaranteed. Much like we guaranteed to defeat Geostigma. I promise you Puke, that I will dedicate every fabric of my sweat to locating your current whereabouts and deal with you face to face. Then we'll see how you handle adversity. And you know how I can guarantee this eventual meeting Puke? Because I have the resources that's how. Unlike you, I'm a grown adult with a job and responsibility and normally I wouldn't put up with this form of pestilence but just this instance, I will dedicate what resources I have at my disposal to breaking down your door and ensuring that you never use your fingers to type anything ever again. By the time I'm through with you, you'll wish Geostigma had wiped you out during the purge instead of me you inconsiderate little brat. How do you like them apples… bitch?_

"Reeve?" Yuffie cried in disbelief with a shake of her head. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"I'm coming! Damnit Kisiragi! If you're that bored, why don't you go steal something while you wait for me?"

* * *

Slinking back in his chair with a disheveled sigh and a glass of hard liquor in his hand, Reeve glared out his office window at the cityscape as the setting sun cast an array of reddish-orange hues all across the concrete jungle. What a day. Definitely not how he would have liked to have ended it.

Yuffie had slapped him and quit on the spot, the northern sector representatives had all stormed out in a fit of rage, the vending machine refused to work and someone had sexually molested the Cait Sith Mark V module hidden in the storage room. There was no point on dwelling on all that anymore however. He would fix everything tomorrow. It was his job to after all.

For now however…

With eager disposition, Reeve logged onto the message board, expecting another predictable, long drawn out, semi-coherent tirade about his old age, sexual orientation and questionable character. He couldn't wait to read what his petulant adversary had written next.

_Your account has been terminated indefinitely. Please contact the moderator for further information._

The liquor glass fell to the floor, shattering into innumerable pieces.

Outside the office in the streets below, citizens looked up in alarm at the sound of a crashing window as a computer monitor was sent flying through it.

* * *

"Denzel!" Tifa called while climbing up the stairs to the boy's room. "It's time for dinner!" Walking in, she noticed the young child frowning into his monitor with Marlene by his side. "Denzel what's wrong?"

"Look." The perturbed child pointed to the screen.

Tifa read the message in question and looked up. "First thing tomorrow I'm calling Reeve. He'll trace who did this and send Cloud to deal with them so don't you worry." With a smile, she added… "And that'll be my chance to pounce…"

"What?" Denzel and Marlene asked in unison.

"Nothing. Now hurry down before your dinner gets cold."

Marlene shook her head in question after Tifa left. "Why would anyone send you a message like that? What did you do?"

Denzel shrugged. "I dunno. I was out all day. Did you see anyone else using my computer?"

"No, I just saw Cloud tiptoe out of here trying to avoid Tifa. Why was he in your room anyways?"

"Something about this being the last place she'd look for him." Denzel looked across at his TV. "Also, he's beginning to get really addicted to my PlayBox so he's started hanging out here more than usual."

"He stays in your room?"

Denzel nodded. "He stays up late at night playing and screaming at the TV while I'm trying to sleep, calling everyone else old or whatever. It's actually kinda creepy."

* * *

**Sephiroth: **After the chocobo haired idiot disposed of the doll loving fetishist in a swift manner, he was handled abruptly afterwards by yours truly. Bow in awe of my presence.

**Marlene**: I don't ever remember me ever having that conversation with Denzel... Also, everyone keeps saying that it was you who got his butt kicked during the battle in the Norther—

**Sephiroth: **Silence you insolent brat! I am the story teller! I choose how the story goes!

**Marlene: **Okay fine… so Cloud killed Reeve even though he was the one who started it?

**Sephiroth: **I'm not in a position to decide what happens. I only tell the story.

**Marlene: **But you just said—

**Sephiroth: **Vodka!


End file.
